The pain I felt the whole time we were together, not knowing if he loved me the way I loved him, is a road I do not want to walk back down. He would never say it, always left when feelings got too real, and even though I swore he felt it too, my demons would wrestle with my mind and always get the better of me, telling me he didn’t. Kind of like they are not leaving me alone now, and making me dwell on the things in the past left unsaid. Things I buried a long time ago with no intention of ever digging them up again.
Glancing up, I notice Rex sitting on a park bench. He must have needed some air from the party, too. He hasn’t noticed me, and I debate not making myself known. I stop and watch him as he leans forward on his knees, deep in thought. His hands go to the scruff on his chin, and he rubs at it a few times before sitting back hastily. Looking off into the distance, I notice the frustration written on his face as his eyebrows tighten, and he blows out a deep breath, then drapes his arms across the back of the bench he is sitting in. He shakes his head a few times, lost in thought.
I know I shouldn’t, but before I can rethink my actions, I walk a few steps closer. Finally, my movements catch his eye. Startled briefly, he realizes it’s me and his face softens. He smiles, and his face relaxes from the torment of whatever was crossing his mind a few moments ago. He pats the seat beside him and says, “Hey gorgeous, fancy meeting you out here. Care to sit for a spell?”
I smile back at his cute-ass comment and reluctantly give in, because I’ve never had the willpower to stay away from him for long. I take a few steps closer and pause at the bench. His grin widens as he stares up at me. I roll my eyes as I sit beside him, utterly defenseless against his charm.
“See, that wasn’t that hard, now was it,” he teases, more making a statement than asking a question. He nudges my shoulder for emphasis.
“Maybe, or maybe it is just some good old-fashioned New Orleans voodoo, and you’ve cast a spell to finally get me to do as you will,” I joke.
Rex laughs, “I can assure you, Gwen, you cast a spell on me long before our paths ever crossed in the Big Easy.”
My entire body stills at his comment. My mind goes blank. I can’t even begin to think of a response and breathe out a small sigh of relief when he continues.
“What were you doing out here all by yourself? The streets of New Orleans aren’t safe to walk alone at night, especially for someone as gorgeous as you.”
“Please,” I laugh, “I can handle my own, Roberts. I don’t need you to protect me.”
My gaze finds the ground at my feet as my mind races.
But I did need you to save me once before, and you failed, I think quietly.
“Trust me, no one knows better than me just how much you can handle all on your own,” he whispers, more to himself than to me, “But that doesn’t mean you have to, Gwen. There was a time once when you let me in. Or was that so long ago you’ve forgotten? Because I’d like to get us back there, if you’ll let me.”
I did let him in once, and he failed me. How could I ever let him back in now? There was a time I prayed we’d end up together and he’d finally stop running.
“Why?” I snap. “Why now, Rex? What, did you finally screw your way through life before settling back on me? Because that sure as shit is what it looks like. I’m not about to let you make a fool of me again. Once a cheater, always a cheater.”
“For fuck's sake, Gwen, I never cheated on you,” he bites back. “We’ve been over this bullshit a million times.”
I roll my eyes, and stand to leave, but Rex quickly grabs my arm and holds me hostage. I take a few deep breaths to allow my breathing to level out. Closing my eyes, I wait for him to speak because there is nothing else I have to say to the man I waited for the night of my sister’s death when I should have been with her instead. The man I trusted would meet me because of what I needed to tell him, the secret I’ve held all these years. The man I later was told was at Christina Thompson’s house having sex with the tramp of the cheerleading squad. The man who strung me along and never told me how he felt after I lost myself to him. After I gave myself over to him, mind, body, and soul.
“Why won’t you believe me?” he pleads, tightening his grip on my hand.
I shrug. “I remember the bullshit I walked in on the night before, Rex. Plus, she had proof. That kind of shit doesn’t lie. I needed you that night, and you were gone. You were with her and…”
“Damn it, Gwen, I was not with her. I was…”
I wait for it. Wait for the confession he has started a thousand times that he never finishes. But just like before, Rex Roberts falls silent, and I’m left with no alibi.
He didn’t love me, not like I loved him. At least, God knows he never said it. Never showed it. When something better came along, he took it. He left me alone the night of my sister’s death, and I’ve died a little inside ever since knowing I waited for him when I should’ve been with her.
It was the straw that finally broke the spell Rex Roberts had over me. Until now.
“I thought our bet was that you were going to prove me wrong. You can’t do that, Roberts, if you insist on starting off on the same rotten foot,” I say, shooting off the bench.
He lets my hand go, and I start to walk back towards town. His footsteps sound behind me, and it isn’t long before he catches up to my side. I look to my left and take in his silhouette. Deep in thought, he hurries along beside me in the moonlight, but he doesn’t speak. “You know, if you are trying to prove to me that we were never a mistake, you’re doing a really shitty job.”
“She was always jealous of me and you, and you know that.”
I laugh as I hurry along the path back to downtown. “Me and you? We were a joke, Rex. Barely anyone knew about ‘me and you.’ Nice try.”
“Are you actually going to believe her and the lies she spewed more than me and what we….” Our past gets the better of him, and he stops mid-sentence.
“What we what, Rex?” I demand, coming to an abrupt stop. “Say it. I want to hear you say it,” I shout.
His face grows worrisome. His eyes plead with mine to not make him do it, but after all the years, all the bullshit, I’m finally unrelenting.
