Something in her eyes tells me this time could be different. So I hold on to that, keep her stare trained on mine and try to will the shit in my past to stop screwing with my head in the present.
After everyone has finished ordering another drink, I lean back in my chair and say, “So, Eric, it’s been a long time. Tell me, how’s Janelle and the kids?”
5
Gwen
Looking in the mirror, I brace my hands on the counter in front of me and take a few deep breaths. Glancing up at my reflection, I shake my head a few times and wonder what the hell I got myself into by caving and going against my willpower last week.
Why did I let myself break?
I’ve always been able to hold my own around Rex and not give in to my constant and very uncontrollable feelings for him, even though they’ve always raged inside me, and begged to be set free. I’m starting to realize that feelings this strong are impossible to forget, no matter how much time has passed.
So why now? Why did I let my guard down?
Lord knows what he’s been thinking since that night, but I can’t shake the feeling that I gave away my heart once again when I had finally, after so many years, managed to almost get over him. Over us, and the secret I’ve been carrying around for far too long.
For some reason, though, the world always pulls us back together. It’s a torturous fate we both cling to that leaves me wondering about the past, present, and future I had one day hoped I would have with him. A future I want to have with him, even though I’ve always tried to plead with my heart to feel different.
“Girl, I’m telling you, that man will not let Eric anywhere near you,” Aaliyah says as she exits the bathroom stall and stands beside me. She proceeds to wash her hands, and I turn my back to the counter and lean against it. “I could tell by the look in his eyes. Possession like I have never seen before, and you’re the object of all of his desires.”
I release a heavy sigh and think about the mess I have gotten myself into.
Sure, I knew Eric was married and had two children. Who didn’t with his face plastered all over the gossip magazines regularly? But I also knew they were separated, and from the last magazine I picked up in the grocery store, it looks like his wife will soon be his “ex-wife” after filing for divorce.
“What makes you so sure?” I ask Aaliyah, even though I secretly hope she’s right.
After Rex’s comment, the tension at the table hit an all-time high. If looks could kill, Eric’s almost did. After the waitress returned with our drinks, Aaliyah and I excused ourselves to the ladies’ room, where we have been trying to wait out the trouble brewing at our table for almost ten minutes now.
“Honey, anybody can see the way that man looks at you. I noticed it earlier in the office, too. Tonight, he’s got the look of a man on a mission. A mission to make you his and not let you leave with the other man you walked in with. Seems serious. What’s the history there?”
I look up at the ceiling and roll my eyes. Our history is too complicated to explain on a girl’s trip to the restroom. Diving into our past would take hours, days, as I explain layer after layer of what brought us to where we are today. A situationship which is totally way too problematic to ever solve itself.
“It’s complicated,” I shrug.
“Most great love stories are.”
“Who said anything about love?” I snap, attempting to lie to Aaliyah and myself.
“Maybe not love, but Gwen, if you harbor feelings for someone for all those years, is there really any other term to describe it?” When her comment renders me speechless and I don’t answer, she says, “How did it end?”
I instantly feel sick, as if considering bringing it all up after all these years makes me need to throw up in the stall I just walked out of a few minutes ago. I shake my head and close my eyes, taking a few deep breaths to hopefully steady my rapid heartbeat, I whisper, “No one knows that story, not even my best friend Eva,” Tears threaten to fall as I open my eyes. “Hell, Rex only knows half of it. Sorry, but some things are better left in the past, where they can’t hurt you anymore.”
“You sure about that?” she questions with a raised eyebrow and a hand on her hip. “From the looks of it, whatever caused all this,” she says, gesturing towards me and swirling her hand in a circle. “Looks like it’s still hurting you right now.”
“It doesn’t matter,” I hiss sharply. Pushing off the counter, I walk towards the door of the restroom. “Some things never change. Some people never change. I doubt it would make the littlest bit of difference after all these years.”
And that right there is the hurt that keeps me running.
The pain that keeps me pushing him away.
I know what we had together will never be found in anyone else. And yet, I can’t bring myself to trust him again, to believe that he’ll stay with me, even after I tell him all I have to say. I can’t bring myself to believe that he will love me the way I want to be loved, deserve to be loved, and not just throw me aside like he often did when shit got too real.
I need him. Heaven help me, I know I do. I always have. But not if he puts me through what he did in the past. Not if he uses me when he feels like it and leaves when our connection gets too intense.
“Gwen,” Aaliyah says, I turn to look at her with my hand on the doorknob. Her concerned look softens as she takes a caring step forward. “Sometimes you lose people for a little while before finding them again. The second time around can make more sense than the first. Timing is everything, Honey. Maybe y’all weren’t ready for each other back then, but that doesn’t mean you should throw away what you have right now.”
I roll my eyes but smile back at her before opening the door. I know she means well, but she is picking at a scab that has been closed for a long time. Even though it never healed, I’m not sure I ever want to reopen it and try to attempt to make it better, even if that might help me move on from all the bullshit I feel constantly pulling me back into the past.
