“I’m smiling, so it must be true,” I say, loving the way she’s gazing at me in wonder.
“You are,” she muses, studying my mouth.
“I’ve never been in love before,” I say.
“Neither have I.” She looks at me, and I know I have to keep talking before she says something that I’ll want to grab on to and protect with every breath that’s in my body.
Because it’s time I told her everything. She deserves to know. And if she’s about to say what I hope she is, then I’ll be too busy feeling like I punched the fucking moon to even speak if I don’t get it out first. It’s been years since I’ve told anyone. The last time was when Jenson came to work with me.
“I had no one to go home to after I signed up. My parents were gone. My grandparents were gone. I’m an only child. So I used to spend every holiday with Rick and his family, and Lizzie,” I begin.
Sinclair’s eyes fill with tears.
“Don’t get upset, Princess,” I soothe, hating seeing her sad, especially because of me. “I’m fine. Rick and Lizzie became my family. She was studying to become a nurse when we were last on deployment together. She found out she was pregnant before we left. She asked me to look after him, and I…” I roll my lips, pressing my fist to them as I pause.
“It’s okay,” Sinclair encourages gently.
“… I promised her I’d keep him safe,” I whisper.
“Denver,” she breathes, suspecting what I’m about to say.
“We were ambushed.” I clear my throat, keeping the emotion that’s bubbling there from surfacing. “He was hit by shrapnel from a rocket launched grenade. It ripped through him, tore him open and I tried to…” I glance at Sinclair, then shake my head. She doesn’t need the mental image of what it’s like to keep your friend’s guts from spilling out of his body. It’s more than I can bear to recall most days. “He didn’t stand a chance. He died in my arms before backup arrived.”
“I’m so sorry,” she whispers.
“I didn’t go back. I couldn’t. Everything reminded me of this void that losing him had left behind. I lost faith in my ability to do my job. I didn’t trust myself to keep my other brothers safe.” I scrub a hand around my jaw and stare out of the windscreen at two joggers who run past. “I came back and took time off until Dixie was born. I was the first person to hold her, after Lizzie. She insisted. She never once fucking blamed me for what happened to him. Not once.”
“Because it wasn’t your fault,” Sinclair says.
I lean back against the seat, all the energy draining from me like a bag of water that’s been slashed open.
“Denver, it wasn’t your fault,” she repeats, laying her hand over my forearm. I drop my eyes and stare at it, needing something to focus on so I can get my words out.
“I came to work with your father when Dixie was three months old. He asked why I left Delta Force, and I told him. I told him everything. How Lizzie had put school on hold, how I wanted to support them financially. Rick would have done the same for me.
“Before I even made it home from the interview, Lizzie had a realtor call her, congratulating her. She had a house with a yard bought for her in a nice neighborhood, and a live-in nanny set up so she could go back to school. And I had a voicemail from your father telling me the job was mine, but that if I didn’t want it, I could still keep the ‘signing bonus’ he’d sent.”
“That’s…” Sinclair gasps, then breathes out with a soft laugh. “That’s exactly the type of thing my father would do.”
“He’s a good man, agreatman. And I’m lying to him.”
“I’m sorry I put you in a position where you had to.”
“Don’t.” I allow my eyes to rake over her face, taking in every soft millimeter of skin. “This isn’t on you. It’s on me. And we’ll tell him. As soon as Liz and Dix leave, we’ll go over and tell him together, okay?”
“Okay.” A softness has seeped into her expression, and she’s turned in her seat to face me, mirroring my position.
I take her hand in mine and entwine our fingers. Monty sighs, his warm body creating a comforting weight in my lap.
“Do you want to come inside and meet them properly?”
Sinclair’s brow wrinkles and she bites her lip, looking unsure. “Don’t you have stuff to talk about? You said it was important?”
“They’re moving to LA.” I don’t manage to hide the heaviness in my voice, or the way that my entire body sags. “Liz has a new job offer. It’ll be amazing for her. And for Dix.”
“But you said they’re your family? How can they go and leave you behind?”
I frown. “I…”
