His eyes are dull as he turns back to me, a heaviness weighing him down in a way he’s never allowed me to witness before.
“Neil.” He scrubs a hand down his face before reaching for his glass with his free hand and having a drink. “Elaina’s first love. Heronlyone. He was always her first choice, even after all those years.”
“I don’t understand.”
“We never chose each other, Hallie. It was decided for us. Elaina got pregnant when she was eighteen. Neil got out of here as fast as he could once she told him. Coward,” he hisses. “Her parents went crazy because she wasn’t married.”
“Elaina was pregnant?”
Sterling sighs. “Was. She lost the baby not long after the wedding. Her parents saw a problem and mine saw an opportunity. Neil hadn’t been gone a week before they got together and decided the two of us would marry. She wouldn’t be a single mom, and I’d help grow the family business. Elaina’s parents had links to mines in Africa. Our union made Beaufort Diamonds into what it is today. A globally acclaimed brand.”
He places his glass on the table. “She didn’t want it. I only went along with it because of my parents, and because what scared her more than marrying a man she didn’t love, was to be alone with a baby she couldn’t provide for. Her parents were going to disown her. And she and I were friends. It killed me to see her so terrified.”
“God, Sterling, that’s awful.”
“I often wondered whether the stress of it all is what caused her to miscarry not long after. I’d never seen a woman grieve like that before. I didn’t know how to help her. Then she came to me one night, needing comfort, begging me to give her a reason to carry on again. It was the one time. Two people lost together. We were only kids ourselves really. Then nine months later, Sullivan...”
His grip on my hand tightens, and I grab both of our hands.
“I had no idea,” I whisper.
“Not many people know. Elaina’s family kept her first pregnancy a secret. They thought it was a scandal. I’m not telling you so you’ll give me sympathy. I’ve been blessed in my life. With my children. My business. Elaina and I might have been forced together, but we made it work. We had the kids. It wasn’t the magic you talk about. I was never her first choice, but it was real until…”
His eyes cloud over.
“What changed?” I ask softly.
His gaze drops to our entwined hands, and he traces along my knuckles with his thumb. When he speaks again, I feel every sharp edge of his words, tearing at me.
“I found letters after she died. A whole box of them she’d hidden. Neil had gotten back in touch with her. For months she’d been meeting up with him… fucking him in hotels… and in our house. In our own damn bed. Telling him she’d never stopped loving him after all these years. There were photos of them together, arms around one another like they were on honeymoon without a care in the world. But do you know what hurt the most? More than the lies? The cheating?”
I shake my head, unable to speak as my eyes sting with tears.
“It’s the way she looked at him. The fact that after years together, having our children, all that we’d been through, she never once looked at me like that.”
“Like what?” I choke, my heart breaking for him as he looks at me with shining eyes.
He smiles sadly. “Like everything started and ended with me. Like I was at the center of every dream she’d ever had.”
“Sterling…” I lean closer, wishing I could erase the pain from his eyes and make it go away forever.
“I shouldn’t be angry about it. Or hurt. I loved her for being the mother of our children. And she was a damn good mother. And the truth is, I never looked at her like that, either.”
He looks deep into my eyes, and his soften, as though sharing his deepest thoughts with me has brought him a sense of peace.
“I didn’t love her the way she should have been loved. The way she must have felt when she was with him. I should have known as soon as the arguments increased that she was unhappy with me. But I thought it’d pass, the same way it always did whenever she would pick fights about nothing. I knew I wasn’t enough and that she needed more. I should have told her it was okay if she wanted to leave. She’d have never left the kids, but I should have told her she had that option if it would have made her happy. It’s as much my fault as it was hers.”
“No.” I shake my head. “She lied to you, she cheated on you. She should have talked to you as soon as she heard from him. You… you…” I splutter, my voice cracking with emotion. “She hurt you even more than she needed to. And you never got the chance to hear it from her.”
“Don’t worry about me.” His eyes roam over my face. “I’m a grown man. But now you know the truth. I’m a fifty-year-old who’s never been in the kind of love that you work with every day. My chance has passed. You being here with me, it’s holding you back.I’mholding you back.”
“You’re not.”
“Hallie,” he murmurs. “Listen to me. Sinclair knows everything. So does Sullivan. They were there with Uncle Mal when I found the letters. It’s why Sinclair had this notion in her head about me dating again. She’s like you. She believes in magic. And that’s okay. In fact, it’s beautiful, and I hope neither of you ever lose that. But she’s wasting her time focusing on me. And so are you.”
“No. You’re wrong.”
Sterling sighs, dropping his gaze to his drink.
