“Explain what? How you’ve been lying to me this whole time? How our friendship was based off a terrible lie? How I caught feelings for a person who isn’t even real?” He stops, takes a shuddering breath. He’s close to breaking. I’ve come to know Max’s gentle heart, and there’s a lot of sensitivity to him that I didn’t expect from a jock. I had assumed the players to all be like Sebastian: too much ego and too little sense. But I was wrong.
After a few seconds of staring at one another, Max gives me his back. “Go away, Noah. I don’t want to see you ever again.”
No. No, no, no this is not how it’s supposed to go down. If I hadn’t been so afraid of losing Max, I would have told him the truth long ago. “Considering Kellan and I look the same, I’d say it’s going to be hard not to look at me for the rest of the season.”
As soon as the words slip, I know it’s the wrong thing to say. I’m fucking all this up. I’m not like Kellan. I can’t wheedle my way out of a situation effortlessly. I’m not like Sebastian, who lets things roll off his back. I’m not like Mav, who would never do anything this shitty because he’s probably the only Dumont brother who has a heart of gold. I’m just Noah Dumont: anti-social recluse, judgmental asshole who secretly wishes he had friends but who is better suited to a life alone.
From the stunned look on Max’s face, you would have thought I’d slapped him. “Wow, dude. Glad your true colors are finally starting to show. And in case I wasn’t clear before when I said I don’t want to see you, I’ll repeat myself. Get the fuck away from me.”
I stand my ground. “I want to explain.”
“No need. I know everything there is to know.”
“That’s not all there is to know.” I unclench one of my sweaty hands and wipe it on my shorts. Bumps pebble on my skin from the chill air. “You don’t know that I started falling for you. You don’t know that you’re the only person I’ve ever truly connected to on a deeper level. You don’t know that I was afraid Kellan would get kicked off the team if I revealed my identity.” I dare to step closer. Max studies me warily. It kills me. To him, I’m a stranger. And I have no one to blame but myself.
“You don’t know,” I continue, “that I have never felt like I belonged anywhere, but the time spent with you is the most I’ve ever felt like I had a true home. You don’t know that I lo—”
“It was all a fucking lie!” he roars, flinging up a hand. In the depths of his stare seethes a world of hurt. “Everything you’re saying right now is a lie.”
“No! I’m telling you the truth.”
“How do I know you’re telling the truth? I thought being with you was the truth, but it wasn’t. It was the furthest thing from the truth. Did you and Kellan laugh at how much of a fool you made me out to be?”
“No,” I croak. “That wasn’t it at all. I never spoke to Kellan about us.” What Max and I shared was too special.
“Us?” His face twists. It’s a horrible sight. There is so much good to Max that to see him warped by turmoil breaks something inside me. “The thing about anus, Noah, is that there has to be trust for it to work, otherwise it’s just a you and me. There was never any trust. As such, there was never an us.” Tears shimmer in his eyes. Fuck, if he starts crying I will get on my knees and beg for his forgiveness. I’m already considering the idea when he makes a sound of disgust and turns away again, pacing along the outer wall and back. I’m not a religious person, but I’m hoping to God he doesn’t leave. If that happens, he’s not going to come back.
Tentatively, afraid I’m going to further ruin everything, I say, “Everything I told you was the truth. Yes, I took my brother’s name, but that was the only thing I did. I was always myself around you. The things I told you about my family, my passions, what it was like for me growing up—those were my truths.”
He huffs an incredulous laugh. A hand presses to his temple. “You don’t get it, Ke—Noah. Maybe the entire time you were honest about who you were inside, but I didn’t know a damn thing. The whole time I’m confusing myself because I always thought Kellan was a certain way, and I was convinced I was changing him into someone else, when the whole time it was you, a person I had never met before. And then you—we—”
My heart stops. Slept together, I think he’s going to say.
“Made love,” he whispers, voice dropping so no one passing by can hear. “That’s what we did that night. You and I both know it. And—” His voice cracks.
“Max. Please.” I reach for his arm, but he steps away. My world is falling to pieces around me. How did this guy become such an important part of my life in so little time? “What we did that night, it was like that for me too. I swear it. And I felt horrible afterward, knowing I was betraying you, knowing I couldn’t take back what we did, even though I don’t know that I would have, given the choice. I wanted to be with you too much.” I struggle to hold in everything I’m feeling. “I lo—”
“No! No. Don’t say it.” He grips the roots of his hair, bows his head. “You don’t. You can’t.”
I feel sick. I actually think I’m going to vomit all over the bleachers. The lies have caused irreversible emotional harm. Psychological harm, too. Max is now questioning every action I ever took, every word I ever said, every motive I ever had. He can never trust me. Someone who he let in, and who took a knife to his back when it was turned.
“I thought I loved you,” he whispers, gazing at the lights down below. The confession makes my heart beat still. “But I realize now that’s impossible, for who could ever love a lie?”
Chapter 26
Max
Notre Dame finishes out the season strongly. We don’t win the National Championship, but we get to the semi-finals. It’s the best we’ve done in over ten years. In different circumstances, I’d be happy with our wins. Unfortunately, I’m low on enthusiasm these days.
In the weeks following the game against Clemson, things almost return to normal. Once it was revealed that Noah had been masquerading as Kellan, Coach put Kellan on probation—for one game. Turns out, we really needed him to stop us from losing. As punishment, Kellan was forced to take over ball managing duties. He whined the whole time. So Coach made him run twice as many circuits as everyone else. Watching him puke on the field because he hadn’t done any physical activity in the weeks he was in Mexico—lucky bastard—was funny for about two seconds before I remembered Noah was no longer here.
I missed him.
That sucked most of all.
Now that the season is over, I throw myself into my studies. Briefly, I speak to my parents about visiting them in Seattle this summer. That is, if I’m unable to find a job before graduation. With my focus on programming, I have no time to think of Noah’s betrayal. I love soccer. I always will, but I love programming too. What I don’t want is to have a broken body before I’m thirty, complete with knee problems, back pains, and hips that need replacing way before my time. Above all, I want a home, a place to put down roots. I’m not looking to travel for months out of the year. Sebastian wants that. Maybe even Kellan, though truth be told I’ve never spoken to him on the matter. I’m ready for something new.
Kellan was my something new. I mean Noah. Fuck, it’s still messing with my head. We’d only known each other three weeks, yet it felt like years. People always say when you know, you know. I felt the rightness with Noah. Then he had to go and ruin it all.
