Because Nate’s family was there.Like they knew too.Like they were waiting for this moment.
Kenzie stood in the kitchen making pancakes, her hair in a messy bun and her eyes swollen from crying.John had what looked like pieces of an old bassinet and was assembling them near the window.Maggie and Eli were at the table with mugs of coffee between them, talking in low voices that stalled the second they saw me.
All their focus turned to me, as if I were fragile, important...
Someone they weren’t sure they still had.
My throat closed.I wanted to turn and bolt back up those stairs.But I didn't.I stayed.
“Hi,” I croaked.
Maggie reached me first, cupping both sides of my face like she was afraid I’d disappear.
“Oh, sweetheart,” she whispered, tears welling instantly.“You scared us.”
I broke.
“I’m sorry,” I choked.“I’m so… so sorry.”
She pulled me into her chest.I sobbed against her shoulder, and she cried with me, her hand stroking the back of my head like I was one of her own.
“I didn’t mean to shut you out,” I whispered.“I just… I didn’t know how to...I felt like I was drowning and so much kept pushing me down even when I knew I needed to try and pull myself out...I...”
Her voice shook.“Tessa, no one blames you, sweetheart.We love you.We just needed you to let us carry some of the weight.”
John wrapped an arm around us both, his voice gravelly.“You are so strong, and I think sometimes that makes it harder.But you do not need to be strong alone.Nobody expects that.”
Eli hovered a few feet away, jaw tight, eyes rimmed red.I pulled away from Maggie and John and took a tentative step towards the man who has always been there for me.Always there to comfort, protect and tell me what I needed to hear.
“I’m sorry,” I said to him.“For the things I said.For how I have behaved...for everything.”I looked around, making sure to meet everyone's eyes, and continued, "I really am so sorry.You lost him too, and I...I made it even harder."I looked back at Eli.
He shook his head immediately.
“No.You don’t need to apologize for grief.I just… I wanted you back, Tess.I didn’t want to lose you, too.”
My eyes burned again, but this time the tears felt different, softer, grateful.He took those last few steps towards me and wrapped me in a hug I knew all too well.I let myself feel the comfort, the familiarity.The baby rolled, and Eli chuckled into my hair."Holy shit, she is going to be busy like Kenzie."
She cleared her throat and spoke.“Okay, everyone, stop crying before I start, because if I start, I will not stop.Breakfast.Sit.”
I laughed, and it startled me how natural it sounded.
Over the next days, life didn’t fix itself, but it slowly started to shift.
I found myself hungry for the first time since losing Nate.
Kenzie nearly fainted when I made myself eggs without being asked.
I caught myself humming while washing dishes.
I took my prenatal vitamins without someone handing them to me.
I started rubbing my belly absentmindedly, in the shower, in bed, while cooking, tiny circles that soothed her and me both.I talked and sang to her throughout the day.
For the first time since the day of Nate's accident, I drove myself out to the farm.John walked out of the barn when he heard my truck pull up.A small smile tugged at his lips, but he didn't say anything.He gave me a small nod and then went back to work.I went for a walk around the farm and didn’t feel crushed by the memories embedded in every fencepost.I even smiled at one, Nate, sitting on the fence rail, staring at a calf as it had personally offended him because it wouldn’t come to him.I closed my eyes and let the sun warm my face, let myself hear his laugh, see his stubborn scowl and his stupid, perfect dimples.For the first time, remembering didn’t hollow me out.It warmed something.
I drove to Chase’s place.He answered the door, looking like he hadn’t slept in months.Hair a mess, dark circles carved under his eyes, knuckles raw from something he probably punched.He blinked like he wasn’t sure I was real.
“Tess?”His voice cracked.
