This was not part of my plan.
My parents had taught me the way to love someone, and I had thought that I had found it.
But I hadn't.
I had stolen moments of someone else's happily ever after.
I had taken what wasn't mine.
And I didn't even know I was doing it.
Andrew wasn't going to build me a house.
I wouldn't carry his babies.
We wouldn't be getting married or growing old together.
Despite his words, his promises, hisstaying.
He was married.
He wasn't mine to keep.
He wasn't my anything.
I took in a shaky breath and walked through my apartment, seeing evidence of him everywhere.The gifts he had bought me, his things, he had started to leave when I started asking questions.
OH MY GOD...had everything been a game.A give and take.A push and pull.
Had it all been a lie?
Every gift, every promise, every time I had felt off in our relationship, and he made sure to smooth the worry, pull me in tighter, flashed through my mind.
I dropped to my knees before I made it to the bathroom.
I couldn't take another step.
I wanted to call my sister, Clara, or my mom...but how could I explain to them what my life had become?
I had left my perfect bubble of a life because I didn't like feeling that my family was my whole identity, like I was the black sheep in the perfection that was the Morgans.
And what had I done?I was still ghostwriting.I had yet to take the plunge and write a story that was wholly mine, and then I took a man...loved a man, that wasn't wholly mine either.
How could I explain this to the women in my life who lived on fucking pedestals?
I don't know how much time had passed, but when my phone had gone off and snapped me out of whatever I had been in...the sun had shifted...the world had shifted,and I had still remained.I was still on my bedroom floor, mourning something that was never mine to begin with.I knew I had to get up, eat, shower...live.
My phone went off again, and the name on my screen made me want to cry, rage and puke in the same breath.
Last First Date
I didn't even read his text.Tears started streaming down my face in angry waves as I went through the choppy motions of changing his contact information.
With all the shame and anguish swirling in me, I had missed one central thing.
One thing that would have ended it all right there.
How fucking dare he?
