“And now Lady Markham is in Bath,” Claudia said.
“Yes.” Susanna curled her fingers into her palms and lifted her head to stare into the fire. “And I am almost sure the young lady beside her was Edith. It is foolish to have been so discomposed. I was just looking around between pieces close to the end of the program, as I had been doing all evening. A large man a few rows behind me had moved out of my line of vision, and there they were. I suppose they had been there all the time. But I am fine now.” She smiled. “How was your evening with the senior girls?”
But Claudia ignored her question. She also was gazing into the fire.
“There is nothing worse, is there,” she said, “than a past that has never been fully dealt with. One can convince oneself that it is all safely in the past and forgotten about, but the very fact that we can tell ourselves that it is forgotten proves that it is not.”
Susanna swallowed. “But remembering is pointless,” she said, “when nothing can be done to change the past. I am fine, Claudia. Tomorrow I shall be my usual cheerful self, I promise.”
But she did wonder about Claudia. Was there something unresolved inherpast? Was there something unresolved in everyone’s past? Was memory always as much of a burden as it could sometimes be a blessing?
Claudia looked up and smiled.
“When I saw your face as you stepped into the room,” she said, “I was convinced that Viscount Whitleaf must have put that look there. I was quite prepared to march down to the kitchen, avail myself of Cook’s rolling pin, and stride off in pursuit of him.”
“Oh, Claudia,” Susanna said before she could stop herself, “he asked me tomarryhim.”
Claudia went very still.
“And?…” she said.
“I said no, of course,” Susanna said.
“Did you?” Claudia asked. “Why?”
“He is the sort of man…oh, I do not know quite how to describe him,” Susanna said. “He often takes gallantry to an extreme. He wants to shoulder the burdens of all women of his acquaintance. He wants to make them comfortable. He wants to make them feel good about themselves. He will go to great lengths not to hurt them or deprive them of what seems important to them. And even that description does not quite express what I am trying to say. He is kind and open and…And he is quite muddleheaded. He could see that I was upset when he walked home with me, and he wanted to comfort me. And he thought perhaps that he had raised expectations in me during the summer and so felt that he owed me an offer of marriage. I suppose that he believes being a spinster schoolteacher is an undesirable fate for any woman.”
“And did he?” Claudia asked, looking at her with disconcertingly keen eyes. “Raise expectations in you?”
“No,” Susanna said. “No, he did not.”
“Do you love him?” Claudia asked.
Susanna opened her mouth to say no but shut it again. She drew a deep breath and released it slowly.
“Love has nothing to do with anything,” she said. “I said no and I meant no. It would not have been a happy marriage, Claudia, for either of us. Love on one side would only have made it worse—for me and perhaps for him too.”
“I know you are feeling weak and vulnerable tonight,” Claudia said after a few silent moments, “but in reality you are a very strong person, Susanna. And you were a strong girl. I always knew, of course, that your father had died and left you all alone in the world—you told me so when you came here. But I had no idea of the terrible truth until tonight. You were always the sunniest-natured of girls nevertheless—even if youwererather wild and rebellious for the first few months. And you are the sunniest-natured of my teachers and very much loved by all the girls—almost without exception, I believe. I will not question your decision to reject Viscount Whitleaf’s offer. Such a match would have offered you security and wealth and comfort for the rest of your life, of course, but you know that without my having to tell you so. I am very glad that you had the strength to put happiness and integrity before material security. And of course I am selfishly glad for myself.”
Susanna smiled rather wanly.
“He is coming here tomorrow afternoon,” she said. “He wants me to go walking with him. Perhaps I ought to have said no to that invitation too after being away from school this evening.”
“Ah, Susanna,” Claudia said, “we must live too when given the chance. Teaching is ajob,my dear, not a life.”
Susanna looked at her in some surprise. She would have expected Claudia to be disapproving of the continued relationship.
“It will be the last time,” she promised, getting to her feet. “He will be leaving Bath soon.”
“Good night, Susanna,” Claudia said. “But I have not even asked you about the concert.”
“It was wonderful beyond words,” Susanna told her.
A few moments later she was on her way up to her room, feeling considerably calmer than she had felt when she first arrived home. But there was still a heavy ache of grief somewhere low in her abdomen.
He had asked her to marry him.
And she had said no.
