She’s gone?
I’m winded, not wanting to believe Nathan, but the coil in my gut tells me it’s true. We’ve reached the dive site, so there’s no stopping the process now. I plunge in with my back to the water, letting the oxygen tank take the hit. I signal to Roger that I’m okay and wait for the guests to drop back. Once everybody is in the water and next to their diving buddies, I give the signal, and we descend.
It’s quiet. Only the sounds of my breathing and the rhythmic rise of air bubbles to the surface intercept this strange silence I love so much. There are other noises, but they’re subdued. I usually find this calming, and my body relaxes into this familiar world where I feel so at home, but today my heart is a jackhammer in my chest and my wetsuit feels too tight.
Nathan is my dive buddy, and as we descend, I try to focus on him. My mind is going into overdrive, and it’s dangerous territory.
I wait for my training to kick in and shift my mind into the right gear, but everything in me refuses. All I can think of is Lexi.Of us.How it felt to be with her.Easy. I could just be with her—no expectations, no judgment, just love.
Love.
She’s gone. Fear rises in me, so strong that for a minute I need to concentrate on my breathing. As the emotion swells, Irealize my love for her is like oxygen that’s gotten stuck deep in the ocean. It’s at last breaking free and surfacing, catching the light as it dances and balloons toward the sky and freedom.
And this feeling isn’t new. I’ve loved her since forever, but we were trapped. Because of her age. Because of time. Because ofme.
She’s left me. At this thought, I can hardly breathe at all.
Beaumont shakes my arm. He signs with his hands, asking if I’m okay and holds out his spare regulator. I inhale deeply andexhale such a rush of air it curtains the space between us. When the air bubbles clear, my gaze connects with his. His eyes are wide with concern, but I nod and return his okay signal.
We’re doing a drift dive and herding everybody together in the same general direction is important. The current isn’t strong, but divers on the edges can lag and we could lose them. I turn around to watch and count the others. I need these dives done and everybody back at shore safely—myself included.
With steel determination, I force myself to focus on what I need to do. Then Nathan indicates my camera, asking that Ishow him how I film and take photos.
Between filming and keeping the dive going, forty minutes pass quickly, but nothing keeps my mind away from Lexi and the recurring thought thatthisis no longer what I want.
I want Lexi, and everything else can wait—maybe forever.
When we resurface after the dive, Roger helps the guests back onto the boat, one by one. As soon as everybody is settled in the dinghy, I clamber in and strip out of my wetsuit. “Since you’re a dive master,” I say to Nathan, “could you lead the next dive with Roger?”
I turn to Roger as his jaw goes slack. I lean closer to where he sits by the rudder. “With everything that happened this morning, my head isn’t in the game. And this is your chance to prove yourself.”
“Sure,” Nathan says, his gaze jumping between me and Roger. “Where’s the next dive?”
“The Pinnacle.” It’s a shallow and easy dive as you circle a coral mound a few times at different depths.
“That’s fine,” Nathan says with a nod.
I peel off the last of my wetsuit and hand it to Roger. “Your turn.”
Roger says nothing, but strips to his swimsuit, and we scoot around and swap places. As soon as he’s wrangled the wetsuiton, I set the GPS directions and steer the dinghy in the direction of the next site.
While everybody else dives, I have the open ocean and the waves slapping at the dinghy’s side as white noise as I work through the mess in my head—and my life.
By the time the second dive is done and we’re on the way back to Ne’emba, my mind’s made up. It’s amazing how easyit is to make decisions when there’s only one thing you really care about—onepersonwhose wants and needs you put way above your own.
The divers are tired and quiet on our way back. At full speed, the dinghy is noisy and bouncing, and people cling to the side straps. As soon as we hit the shore, I jump out. “Roger, see to the guests. I need to go check?—”
Nathan’s eyes are on me, sizing me up. “Meet me and Roger for lunch,” he says. “I’ll help here, but we need to talk.”
“Sure.” So we’re still going to bang heads today. I don’t care. I sprint down the beach, take the shortcut through the guest area, and head straight to our cottage. I dig my fingers into my hair as I walk through the much-loved space. It’s still a mess, and for once, nobody from housekeeping has been here.
None of Lexi’s things are in the bathroom. I head to the walk-in closet, blinded by emotion at seeing her side empty. She’s gone. Lexi has left for real. My chest tightens. My eyes find the piece of paper and the engagement ring left on top of it.
I pick it up, and the paper quivers in my hand as I read the lines. She loved her time here with me, butwe had a hard cut-off date from the start, and now we don’t need to have that godawful awkward flight all the way home where we both try to get out of a sticky situation.
Fuck.Godawful awkward flight? Sticky situation?Lexi’s one-upped me, using my own age-old strategy of running away before things get too serious.
I lower the letter to the desk and pick up the ring. It looked so perfect on her hand, and I loved seeing it on her finger. I’d subconsciously claimed her as mine before I even understood what she meant to me.
