“True.” Butouch. That’s just it, right? When we leave here, Lexi and I are supposed to be going our separate ways, as if Ne’emba never happened. I can’t do that, nor do I want that anymore. “They love each other to bits.” That phrase echoes in my mind.
Lexi switches off her bedside light, and I sit in the dark, my past playing out in my head like a reel. A past that predicts a future I don’t want. Everything Lexi said is true, but this has nothing to do with Roger and Deshni—this has everything to do withus. Everything to do with those three simple words I’m too petrified to say, too stuck in my rut of always keeping an easy way out.
Lexi has played along with my usual game plan from the start, but it could be a façade, because she’s scared of me walking away again and hurting her. She’s protecting herself. But what if she wants more? I want more, yet I don’t know how to get there. Nothing has ever forced me to dissect my feelings like this—and then I’ll have to act on them.
Bottom line? OnlyIcan change my ways.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
LEXI
When I wake up, it’s still dark. From afar, the sound of waves rolls in, but the birds aren’t up yet. I’ve slept fitfully, my mind too busy with everything going on.Roger and Deshni. Mia Fucking Reed. Tristan.
I cover my face with my hands and groan, glancing over at where he’s sprawled on his stomach. At some point Tristan came to bed, but I fell asleep without him by my side. It was lonely, and he didn’t pull me close as he normally would have done. Probably because I was already asleep.
Probably because last night was too intense. Things felt so right that they were wrong—for me—as clearly Tristan didn’t feel the same vibes. “Let me be everything I can be for you.”Essentially a fun time while we’re here.I knew by the end of the evening, when Tristan freaked out about a baby, that we could never have more than these three months. And even the time that remains might be too much for my heart.
I quietly slip from the bed and tiptoe to the bathroom. Ishowered mere hours ago, so I dress in a fresh uniform and goto the office. Tristan will wake up alone, but it’s not as if I can go anywhere. He knows where to find me.
I falter in my steps as I approach the office. The double glass doors are closed, but the lights are on, and Jem is already at her desk. What the hell? Doesn’t she sleep? After last night’s verbal sparring match in the canteen, she’s up to something. Butwhat?
At least we’re not the only ones on the job already. Birds are announcing the start of another scorcher, and I can hear soft voices from the kitchen, the clang of a pot or pan. It doesn’t matter what’s going on in your life; the show must go on.
I open the door and Jem looks up, startled. “Why are you early?”
Lately we’ve been forgoing all pleasantries.
“Couldn’t sleep,” I tell her.
“Why’s that?” she prods.
I roll my eyes.Wouldn’t you want to know.Despite everything else happening, my masochistic side needs to see if there are any emails from the lawyer or Evan, guiding me through this shitstorm. Has St Chalamet cracked? Sheila’s updates have dwindled to zero. Maybe she’s realized that her own employment at St Chalamet is at risk if she keeps playing informant.
I sink down at my desk, suddenly exhausted. This day is going to be a motherfucker. “What areyoudoing here so early?” I ask Jem as I switch my computer on.Dammit. With her here, I won’t be at liberty to scour the internet for news or do anything private.
“Just doing some prep work.”
“The upcoming wedding?” I ask. She might get on my nerves, but Jem is a fantastic manager.
“Among other things.”
I hate it when people sidestep and talk in circles. “I’m going to get coffee. You want some?”
“I’m good, thanks.”
Fine. Be good.
By the time I’ve had the obligatory chit-chat with the people in the staff canteen and kitchen, the sun’s up, and its heat caresses my cheek as I head down to the beach with my coffee in hand. I can’t stomach sitting with Jem in that office right now. I’m still digesting Deshni’s news and have no clue how we’re going to sort out the spa without her losing her stride. I glance along the beach and spot a fellow human or two, guests who walked out when they woke to the relative cool of the morning.
This place is so peaceful, in total contrast to the hooting traffic jam in my head. Everything and everybody aside, my mind keeps spiraling back to Tristan. I sit down on the sand, wanting to cry.Yep. Of all the bad moves of the past six months, he’s maybe the worst and will leave me with scars. I take a long drink of coffee, hoping to swallow my tears down with it.
“Lexi.”
I look up. Tristan is in his running gear and has approached me without a sound. I would have seen him if I hadn’t been so preoccupied with my heartache and the fact that I might have found him, but I’m going to lose him too, and without him ever knowing. I mutter a terse hello into my cup and take another sip.
He drops down next to me. “You’re up early. I was?—”
“I couldn’t sleep. This whole thing with Desh?—”
