My fingers tremble as I roll on the condom, knowing something inside me has shifted, and my feelings and thoughts for Lexi are no longer under my exact control. When the hell did that happen? And how did I not see it coming? I should be freaked out—I’ve never had out-of-the-blue brain warp happen to me during sex before…but that’s just it, isn’t it?
This isn’t just sex. Not for me.
“Tristan…” Lexi’s soft voice breaks through my wayward thoughts. “You’re making me wait.” She pokes my thigh with a finger, and I smirk, although it feels forced.
“Giving you a moment there, babes, to mentally prepare.” I lean over her again, and this time she circles her arms around my neck and pulls me in for a kiss as she hooks her feet over my legs and rides them up my thighs.
“Looked likeyouneeded a moment to mentally prepare,” she says, and I bury my face in her neck, kissing her collarbone and lowering to her breast to distract myself with the easy lure of her beautiful body.
She might be kidding with me, but my heart talks back.Nothingcould prepare me for this.For us.For the idiocy of entering into this intimate game with her while she peels off my armor as if it’s mere paper.
I reach between us and, for a moment, savor her body’s resistance. Then I thrust into her warm, wet heat with a grunt. Lexi digs her nails into my hair as I let her have it all in a few hard thrusts.
She gasps, but it’s with pure pleasure and I don’t hold back. I let her feel how I feel—let her know she’s mine, even though I can never tell her that, because she laid the ground rules for this game and there will be nothing more when we leave here. We’ll bedone.
I fuck her hard, and when I sense her orgasm gathering in her core, it’s enough to slow me down. I want to draw this out, make it last forever, but that’s impossible. I’ll settle for the next best thing, though, having us tilt slowly over the edge together. I shift my head to find her lips, kissing her savagely for a moment, then leaning up and gripping her chin. “Look at me when you come, Alexandra O’Reilly.”And let your eyes tell me you don’t care.
Her hands slip from my hair, her touch so gentle, soft and unexpected as she rests her fingertips on my cheeks, her thumbs caressing my lips. I’m caught off guard, and I come so fucking hard that I drop my head back with a caveman grunt, heaving as her orgasm milks me for every last drop while her heels dig into my butt.
Jesus Christ.
Breathe. Just breathe.
It’s just sex. You’ve done this countless times.
With this thought flitting through my mind—unwelcome, mind you, because all those other times haven’t been with Lexi—I descend from that roaring high and lower my face to hers, eyes closed. I can’t—I can’t.
I can’tlet her see how much she—this,us—affects me.
We’re breathing in sync, our chests pressed together, and I need to get off her. I roll to the side and gather her in my arms, staying connected for a few seconds longer. She snuggles her head under my chin, and I hug her close, clinging to her.
This is the woman I was never supposed to have. Evan’s sister. Anita’s daughter. As close as a real family I’ll ever get.
This is the woman I’ve vowed to never hurt.
There are rules because they stop people from fucking things up. And this is a fuckup. These feelings for Lexi aren’t exactly uncharted, but I’ve learned to bury them in a bunker where nobody knows they exist. They’re the feelings of a teenage boyand have aged like an excellent wine, long forgotten in a cellar. Now, to have them surface into stark sunlight is a fuckup I’ve never had to deal with. And even worse? They are no longer the simple emotions of a boy. They’ve become complex and layered, those of a man.
Lexi deserves better than me. She deserves someone who can commit and give her the world. Not some messed-up cynic who can’t—who won’t, who doesn’t care to eventry to—keep things straight when it comes to a relationship. When things get real, I leave. For that, I’ve made sure I have the best job in the world. Out at sea I can face my demons alone, deep cleanse, head back to shore, and hook up. Wash, rinse, repeat.
As I told her, I’m the last guy who should ever put a ring on a woman’s finger. And yet, in that moment when I did so at Heathrow, nothing had ever felt moreright.
Lexi shifts, and her lips press against my throat. I swallow hard, still trying to get a grip.
“You’re thinking so hard, Tris. I can hear the cogs turning.” She pulls up to my mouth and presses a gentle kiss to my lips as I slip from her body. “No thinking allowed.”
“No?”
“When it comes to this, to our time here, no. Let’s just have fun, okay?”
Let’s have fun.That sums me up perfectly—orsummedme up, to be precise. I don’t know who the hell I am right now. But is this who Lexi is? I don’t know parts of her at all. Five years is a big gap to fill with all those missing pieces of lost time. Evan and Anita kept me up to date with Lexi’s life in a casual way, and the past weeks have shown me more. But is she capable of havingjust funand walking away?
Am I? Withher?
I’m too scared to answer the question, so I deal with the condom and reach for the tissues on the bedside table. “Fun, hmm?”
“Yes.”
I chuckle, desperately needing to get out of my head. I ask the first question that comes to mind, because it’s been bothering me. “So, tell me… Who was your first then?”
