As I feel my remaining drakes lay down in the adjacent room, resting like me now, I feel their exhausted abilities open up. It’s not a powerhouse of magic that comes to me now from their exhausted magics as I open my fullest Bloodwalker might, but a deep, slow river that takes me, as I am washed far out into the stars.
I wander the ancient cosmos of the true Void, feeling Baldur’s hope like a lodestone inside my heart, as I do what he suggested and search for Bjorn’s essence. Not just Baldur’s hope bolsters me now, but the bright passion of Ström, the vicious determination of Mikkel, even the fierce indomitable nature of Lærke, steadying me as I Bloodwalk through the Void.
Memories help a Bloodwalker find souls in the Void; but even as I search for memories of Bjorn to ground and lead me out in the stars, I get hit again by my hopelessness.
It’s the first time since my Bloodwalker power opened that I haven’t had Bjorn with me. Even way back when I got blasted by the Black Dragon’s diabolical curse-work on that Outer Island, Bjorn was with me, shoring me up to all this metaphysical bullshit as he held me steady with his rock-solid body, strong hands, and fierce love.
That body is in stasis now, his soul lost, as Bjorn drifts far beyond the Void. He’s not even here in the cosmos, I know as his hands rest limp at his sides, no surviving thread of our love bonding us together anymore.
There’s only my aching heart here, wishing I could go back. Tears leakfrom my closed eyes now as I lay with him, wishing that I could go back to the beginning, with him.
I begin to imagine it; what if I hadn’t been such a dick to him when we were younger? What if I hadn’t been so furiously dramatic, pushing him away with my frustrations and rage just as much as he pushed me?
I wander aimlessly in the stars now, as I imagine what our life might have been like had I not left Stockholm in the dead of night two decades ago. We’d have twenty more years of life with each other; twenty more years of living and loving, and figuring out how to become friends and true lovers through all our storms, rather than just igniting in each other’s presence.
“I should have fought for you,” I whisper to him now as I hold him and wander in the cosmos, trying to find anything of our love that’s left. “All those years, I should have fought at your side, rather than against you… then abandoning you.”
Even as I say it, I know that’s not entirely fair, because Bjorn was just as big a pain in my ass as I was for him. All our stormy moments come back now. All the heated arguments and fight-sex when we were pissed at each other, plus the long breakups, as I feel the pain in my heart that loving him has caused.
But it’s also been brilliance, as I feel all the joys of our coming together, and all the times we weren’t fighting and it was so very good. They were times when we got along and were playful, friends even, and the most passionate of lovers to boot.
It all whirls through me now as I lose myself in the cosmos; the years of self-doubt I had after leaving him and going to the Red Letter Hotel Paris, all the times I wanted to call and explain myself, and apologize.
But now Bjorn’s soul is lost, and we never fully made up. We never truly healed the rift inside us that my abandoning Stockholm—and him—had caused.
We Bloodbonded in our mutual love and rage when we first came together in the heather atop that mountain in the wilds. But it’s been loveand rage ever since, rather than true oneness, as I release a deep sigh now, letting myself wander upon the massive tide of all those conflicting emotions.
And drift off into the Void, alone.
I’m not really alone, however, as I move through the stars, my physical body in a deep stasis like sleep, but not. I see my Bloodbonds to my other drakes like shimmering ropes all through the Void, as they come with now, able to traverse the Void, as well.
Something about our Bloodbond has changed since we all became one with each other a day ago. They’ve acquired the ability to Bloodwalk just as much as me now, as we all rest and search for Bjorn together.
Remembering him, and the beautiful difficulty he is.
I feel how we all search for him as we wander together, but also separately, in the stars. We remember different sides of him as we search; for Ström, it’s recalling how contentious Bjorn is as a man, but how incredible he is as a commander. For Mikkel, it’s Bjorn’s infuriating stubbornness, which Mikkel secretly lauds him for, because like Mikkel’s darkness, it is Bjorn’s greatest gift.
For Baldur, a beautiful sensation takes him as he remembers how incredible it is to synergize his Blood Magic to Bjorn’s, and the powerhouse that ensues. Not just that, but the passion that sweeps them when it happens.
Beautiful.
As their memories flood me now, along with my own, my determination to find my first true lifemate out here in the Void skyrockets. Though my tether to him and our First Bloodbond is sundered, my life means nothing without Bjorn; inhaling deeply now, I focus on all my love for him, and everything he means to me, as I wander, searching.
Suddenly, I find myself in a known place. As I gaze around, I see that I have come to the ring of ancient standing stones in the stars, made of the vast constellations themselves.
It is broken; everything here is sundered. A terrible feeling sweeps overme now, as I recognize that this was our handiwork. This ancient place is only ruined in the stars because we made it so, with our hubris.
Our battles, contentiousness, and our heinous breakups assault me everywhere I look, as I remember our hubris now. Like rifts of endless darkness, I see how that empty, sundering energy rips through the Void with each memory of our divisiveness, expanding those cracks in the star-stones wider, and ever more black.
I let it fill me now, as I see our folly in the Void. Because I cannot banish it; love it or hate it, my contentiousness with my first and greatest love is a part of me, just like this ancient sundering energy is a part of the endless cosmos I traverse.
I understand that now, as I stand in the star-stones, broken yet endless. I cannot banish the true feelings of a ruined heart; I can only heal them, and do better next time, whenever Bjorn and I fight.
I promise to do just that, as I search for him now at the epicenter of the star-stones. I have been drawn here for a reason. Everything feels crystal-edged now, as I hunt for my lost drake out in the Void that makes us.
Good times, bad times, amazing times, terrible ones; I let all my memories fill me now as I search. I’m feeling everything Bjorn is, and that we are together. I laugh, and smile, and cry far out in the ancient skies now, knowing no one but my drakes can hear me.
It’s then that I suddenly feel myself walking, right towards the star-stones. With one vastly broken stone in particular, I’m moving in a single line towards that stone, rather than wandering aimlessly as I search for Bjorn.
