“She didn’t. It was my choice to tell her. She told me I didn’t have to, but I wanted to help her understand what happened to me.”
“That’s impressive, considering you’ve never told any of us,” Selina said with a head tilt.
“Let’s be honest, Selina. Mina knew what happened to me thirty seconds after running a background check. You all know.”
“Fair, but you’ve worked for Secure Watch for years and have never uttered a word to any of us about it. You’ve known Bec for three days. That’s my point.”
“When Bec trusted me with her story about leaving the Amish community so young and how difficult that was for her, it made me want to be equally honest with her about my past. My therapist told me years ago that not talking about it allowed me to stay caught up in the fear where it felt safe.”
“The fear felt safe?”
“To me, yes,” Iris admitted. “At least everything I kept around me because of the fear. Some of my compulsions and intrusive thoughts were tied to keeping everything a secret.”
“Do you know why?” she asked, and Iris nodded immediately.
“Fear of being judged. I think you can probably understand that, right?”
Selina’s chuckle filled the hallway as she nodded. “I spent years being someone else to avoid being who I was. Granted, there was a mobster who wanted me dead, but even if that hadn’t been the case, like you, I found safety in keeping my secret safe inside. Being honest meant running the risk of losing someone else in life when they learned the truth.”
“Until you meet the one person who doesn’t make you feel like that would happen.”
Selina flashed her ring finger. “I married that one person.”
“If I can find her, I just might do the same,” Iris said with a grin. “I don’t know how it will work, but if I ever get to hold her in my arms again, for the first time, I want to try.”
“That’s so wonderful to hear, Iris,” Selina said. “We all deserve someone in our life who makes us feel like we can slay dragons, and if we can’t, they’ll do it for us.”
“There’s that,” Iris admitted. “Since love doesn’t cure my disabilities.”
“No, but when it’s real and true love, it doesn’t care about your disabilities.”
“And that’s what Bec has taught me,” Iris agreed. “We both know I’ll always have anxiety and OCD. That’s part of my brain’s pathology now, amongst other things, but what she’s shown me over the last few days is that my therapist was right. If I work hard, I can find a way to live my life without being on edge every second of the day. Once I put the effort in of confronting what happened to me and how it shaped me, a lot of the anxiety I carry about that event will fall away, and what I’m left with is easier to treat since my fight-or-flight response is not constantly assailing it.”
“That’s incredibly self-aware, Iris. Everyone at Secure Inc. will be proud of you. Bec will be, too. For putting yourself in the back of an SUV just in case you’d find her in a cabin where the risk to yourself was great. She’ll be proud that you didn’t give up on her.”
“Never,” Iris said. “But I should have realized it would get the better of me eventually. It always does.”
“No,” Selina said, holding her out by her shoulders. “The fact that you get up and fight every day to work and be part of our family says something else entirely.Baby steps, Iris. You’re stressed in a new environment and worried about someone you care about. You’re upright and fighting through it, which is impressive. I’m here for you, and I’ll be here for Bec when we bring her home. We will bring her home.”
Iris nodded once, the tension in her belly releasing from Selina’s encouragement. She didn’t have to be afraid of being afraid. That was compounding the problem. Don’t try to block the fear. Feel it and then put it to use. She remembered the hundreds of times her therapist told her that and suddenly understood what she meant. Blocking out half of the fear let her focus on the part she could do something about.
“Now, lift that chin, and let’s go find your girl,” Selina said with a wink as they walked into the workspace.
Chapter Twenty-One
When Iris and Selina entered the workspace, Delilah had Walter’s computer open on one of the high tables with a writing pad next to it. She and Cal were conferring but turned to them when they walked in.
“Hi, Delilah. Thanks for helping with this,” Iris said, hugging her friend.
“Not a problem, sweetie,” Delilah promised, patting her back. “I’ve found some interesting tidbits I was just telling Cal about, and we both think Walter had some big plans.”
“What did you find?” she asked, walking behind the table to look at the computer.
“From what I can tell, Walter had no intention of giving the virus to only the group who commissioned it.”
“Do you know who that is?” she asked, and Delilah held up her finger.
“We’ll get to that. I want you to read this and tell me if I understand it correctly.”
