I stop reading and glance at his nervous face. We’ve spoken about this, but it doesn’t erase the emotion and the hurt at the time.
I keep reading…
The last thing I wanted was for you to see a grown man cry.
When I saw you merely weeks after I was traded, I lied when I told you I had thrown my phone in the lake. I would never destroy our memories, our photos, or our chats. Instead, I changed my number.
Why?
He cried?
You deserved a fresh start.
To be with someone you wouldn’t have to look at with disappointment. Someone your family would be proud of for you to share a life alongside.
I’d always hoped that person would be me.
And then I fucked up. I hurt you, Byron, and your family, who took me in and treated me as one of their own. For those reasons, I needed to cut all ties and remove myself from your lives.
How could I stay when I caused so much pain?
Byron hated me. Blamed me. Shit, I blamed myself. He almost didn’t play ball again,and it would have crushed him, as I know it would me…
Hindsight is a marvelous thing because if I had the chance, I would exchange playing for the possibility of being with you again. I have asked myself over and over again… would you give me another chance? Would you even want to see me after I left without a goodbye?
You deserve better.
Still, that doesn’t stop me from wanting you. I want that more than anything.
But we wouldn’t stand a chance if I didn’t take the time to work on myself. My worth. To learn how to value myself enough so I can love you the way you truly deserve. If we want an honest, healthy relationship, then that needs to start with me.
It will take time, but I guess time is what we have.
I inhale a sharp breath.
Back then, it didn’t feel like time was on my side.
I mourn for you. When I’m not training, I lock myself in my apartment and ignore texts from my teammates to hang out. At training, I curse when I mess up, using every profanity I can. I scream at the players because they don’t understand how I play. They are unable to grasp it. Any of it. Their ignorance fuels my frustration. It’s not their fault I’m an asshole.
This move, andlosing you, have changed me. I was never like this before…
Why did I even bother coming here?
Then I think about you. It kills me to think you are hurting as much as me.
If I had the ability to make everything right, then I would do it in an instant. But the only option that seemed feasible to me on that day was to be far away and out of your lives.
I regret not trying harder to make amends and stay.
If only…
If only…
My thoughts are my nemesis.
The nightmares.
The heartbreak.
