Affording me a view of his luscious buttocks.
Buttocks I had noticed on more than one occasion.
Which triggered a longing deep within me.
For the companionship of a man.
Which made no sense as I had never been intimate with a man. I noticed the attractiveness of some men, but had never acted upon that. Even during my time in the army, I had not gone to a man’s bed. Certainly, though, I had taken advantage of every willing woman’s bed I could.
Remembering my days of making my way through the ton in London during the three seasons I was there brought a feeling of shame.
Well, a modicum.
I never left a young woman with child. Although I had my wicked way with quite a few—fucking with reckless abandon.
After Caroline, I wanted to inflict as much misery upon others as she had wrought upon me.
The memory of her demure smile when she turned down my proposal—assuring me that my age was the determining factor.
I had been nineteen.
She was twenty-two.
I had not understood what age had to do with the acceptance or rejection of my proposal. I brought her home, my father had approved of her, and I asked her to marry me.
She refused.
Two days later, she and William announced their engagement.
I had cursed their marriage. Then, the next day, left for London to begin my dissolute life. Bedding women and behaving poorly at every opportunity.
Obtaining the reputation as a rake.
Being quite proud of that reputation.
Until my father, tired of my antics, cut off my allowance entirely and barred me from our London townhouse.
I took the money I had left and bought my commission.
My horse and I headed to France.
Then spent the next twelve years fighting the French.
The damned horse had been shot out from under me in the final battle.
Now I was staring at my valet’s buttocks and remembering how I enjoyed the company of women and wondering what might have happened, had I brought a man to my bed as well.
My body reacted.
Great. Now? After months of nothing, you choose now?
At this moment, I truly did want to weep.
First, that the timing could not have been worse.
Second, out of relief I could still get hard. I had begun to wonder.
“My lord, are you ready to have your hair washed? Are you adequately relaxed?”
