I’ve been in bed all night and into the late morning, leaving my sheets only to cry at the news that folded itself under my door. I promptly returned to my bed and replayed all of King Zander’s visions in my mind, wishing that Golem was with me but understanding that his duty and desire kept him with the Bardot family. Stormfall is with me, cawing in sad tandem with each of my sobs. He wakes when I do. Sleeps when I do. Just offers his peaceful presence to an otherwise unpeaceful darkness.
I wake again when the early morning turns to midday, watching through red eyes as the sun pushes through the sheer curtains of my balcony as if not caring that the full of the castle is in mourning. I curl into myself and try to fall back asleep, but my mind is pulled in every direction by the memories of my younger self.
I toss around in anxiety in a restless fit, only getting out of bed when the day turns to night. I rush into my bathing room and let the darkness consume, my stomach heaving out onto the floor as I fall to my knees.
The King is dead.
The King that cared for me for the better half of my life is dead…
And I am from Woodlands.
The realization hits my whole being. I recall the grey of my attire in the first vision, the fabric deeply resembling the few servants that have traveled to Bardot with the Court’s delegations. I sob into my hands and try to find any memories as a child, try my hardest to find any recollection of my parents or my family.Anythingthat happened prior to coming to Bardot.
But nothing comes.
Forgive me, Alexis.
The King’s words push through my mind, sending me into another deep sob as I curl onto the cold floor.
Forgive him for having his son push emotions into me?
Because that is what Troy did.
He did the same when he approached me at my door not two nights ago, willing me to talk to him. The desire I felt, the desire to engage with him… it truly wasn’t my own. It was Troy pushing that emotion into me and expelling it out.
How could I ever forgive that?
But then I see the look on my young face. That girl was so lifeless and cold once the anger settled. She was cut off from the world and the people around her. Whatever happened to me in Woodlands left me that way. It left me desolate and spiritless and a shell of a girl who curled up against the bed without any desire to move forward.
Could I blame the King for wanting his son to make me okay? To make me normal again?
Make her feel happy, content…
Isn’t that the sentiment I held throughout my whole life in Knowledge? Happy with everything around me and content in my simple life and unquestioning? Was that sentiment routed deep within me because of Troy and his father? Were the emotions even my own?
Does it even matter?
Because where would I be now if they hadn’t intervened? Who would I be if Troy didn’t do what he did? Would I still be depressed, living on the roads with nowhere to go?
Of courseI could forgive him, forgivethem.
I cry myself to sleep on the floor of my bathing room, ignoring the foul stench next to me. My mind is racing with too many questions for my body to handle, so I let the exhaustion pull me into a deep slumber.
I’m awoken by the sound of padded footsteps in my room at some point late in the night. Those familiar feet are followed by large and heavy ones behind them, the two sets looking for where I am. They finally make their way into the bathing chamber and pause, a cry of sympathy leaving my friend’s lips. I’m engulfed by big and steady hands and the brush of a bushy beard, letting Cal lift me off the floor before he carries me in his arms.
I start crying again, feeling his hands running down my back and holding me to him as he walks us to my room. He kneels down softly on my bed and consoles me with a steady hum, his big hand leaving my back as Golem joins us. The feel of a wet cloth hits the side of my arm and I know Cal’s cleaning me, his other hand running through my hair as I continue to cry. He lays us down, not saying a word, and pulls me into the front of his chest before letting me fall asleep cradled in his arms.
I don’t know how long Cal lets me sleep, but I’m awakened again by Golem’s shuffled steps in my room and the sound of glasses and wooden plates gently falling onto the ground next to us.
“Thank you, Golem,” Cal replies softly, shifting slightly so that he frees his arms and leans away.
Golem’s feet move through my room and back out the door, closing it softly behind him.
“Are you hungry, Alex?” Cal moves again, his voice full of concern.
I keep my eyes shut to the room around me and draw a pillow to my body where his was.
“No,” I reply hoarsely, shutting my eyes even tighter.
