There’s no denying now that a certain sentiment is held by that Court. I have half a mind to approach the King and Prince Troy about it the moment I get back to Castle Bardot.
Fuck.
Troy…
Possibly the worst information to witness tonight. How could I have been so naïve? He was using me from the beginning, and I was ignorant enough to fall for someone who was always two steps ahead of me.
I could get over witnessing Keane and Desmond using violent methods to extract information from the blonde Discerni. And I could get over the slight fear that I felt after witnessing Keane mauling the man. In fact, after hearing the words the Discerni spoke about humans, I realize now that I, too, looked at him in disgust. I wanted that man to hurt for the way he was talking about humans, wanted to see that smirk wiped from his face for his words.
But I can’t get over Troy. What he did was wrong. And I certainly can’t get over what that means for Keane and I now that he knows about me and his brother. How can I expect him to want me anymore? To respect me? Why would he want anything to do with me after hearing confirmation of me with his brother? The blonde Discerni didn’t say it outright, but it was all but implied, and I know Keane caught the message.
Ancients.
That beautiful man who stood so proud under the Shadow Oak and his Hidden City. The man who saw the fire in me before I saw it in myself. He couldn’t want me now. I’m too tainted for him.
And the worst part is that Ifeeltainted. I no longer feel worthy of Keane. It was one thing to have a casual relationship with his brother- neither Keane nor I could have predicted where this new travel was going to lead us. But knowing that my casual relationship with Troy was never actually casual to begin with, that my body was used to extract information and that every one of our interactions was thought out and pursued for a reason beyond pleasure… it makes me feel dirty. Tainted.
So even if Keane could get over the thought of me being with his brother, how can I let him touch me again?
I don’t know that I can…
I don’t know that I deserve him any longer. I definitely don’t deserve the intimacy of him and the desire behind his eyes that burns so deeply for me. It’s too pure, and I’m too burdened by his brother’s touch.
That thought brings all the tears in my eyes crashing down. I sit and sob for a long time with my guilt, the feeling sinking in my stomach like an endless pit I can’t get rid of.
But slowly that guilt turns into immense anger for the Woodlands Prince. Yes, I feel used and dirty, but I also have a new rage pulsing through my blood when I think of all the ways he manipulated me. I should have realized what he was doing when I told myself his eyes weren’t nearly as kind as his father’s or his brother’s, but I let my easy life dictate my actions so much that I couldn’t see what was right in front of me.
That rage festers in my being and finally brings me out of my sobs and tears. I take my anger and turn it into a strong resolve, vowing to myself that I’m done being used...
I’m done being used by the King who knew full well where my travels were taking me and kept the secret to himself. I’m done being used by his son, Troy, whose face in my mind is no longer gorgeous to look at. I’m also putting an early stop to being used by Hirovale and whatever plan he thinks he has in store for me as his Human Reborn. These men and their secrecy, the hidden information that always ends up in half-truths and feeble conversations with no one ever fully explaining what in the damn Old World is going on.I am done being used.
And I vow to take my life into my own hands…
I need to fulfill my curiosity on my own time and in my own way, and no longer be strung around by men who have secret agendas and intentions. I need to visit the King first, because that conversation still needs to happen, and demand a full explanation of the reasoning behind my travels. Then comes Troy. He’ll be waiting for me the moment I arrive back in Bardot, there’s no doubt in my mind. Would it be terribly bad if I hurt the Prince? Because that’s where my resolve is taking me. I want to hurt him just as much as he’s hurt me.
And if I make it past Troy without landing myself in a prison cell, then I will travel to Woodlands and see what is going on in that Court. I will take Cal and the twins with me, the three Knowledge men who have continually stood by my side throughout this whole experience. We willmake the travel to Woodlands and help the humans there in any way we can, because something is going on.
And Hirovale…
Well, the Ancient can fuck off for all I am concerned.
I will take no part in whatever plan he is formulating with his brothers and sisters. I am human and enjoy being human, so why would I want to see my brethren of the Old World change themselves as a result of his plan?
No. I will not take part.
Because the gift of short life is what makes us special. It’s what makes uslive. I will not see that go away.
My resolve is strong when dawn starts to creep through the window of my room. I know I need to have a conversation with my Knowledge crew before we set off for Gaumond, so I hoist myself up from the ground with determination and repeat the plan in my mind.
Bardot,King Zander, Troy, Woodlands Court, Hirovale…
I make my way to the bathing room and strip down, washing all the dirt and blood off my body from the night. The gash on my cheek isn’t too large but it stings like a bitch, the cut starting just below my eye and jutting down past my cheek. It’s noticeable, a small reminder of the attempt I made to try to run, but at least the bruises from Pyre are starting to fade.
I rinse off and comb through my messy hair, pulling it into a tight braid at my back before I move into the room. Golem and Stormfall watch me change in silence, their solemn eyes shifting to the door the moment Cal knocks for our morning exercises.
“I just need to put on my boots and grab my cloak,” I open it a crack.
Cal swiftly reaches a hand out to grab my chin, turning my head to the side with a grimace when he catches the gash on my face.
