She shoved her arm at him. “Go on! I’ve got more! Plenty, even!”
“Ms. Joy,” he politely pushed her arm to the side of his desk, “I understand that you may have been under a lot of stress lately. And stress can…”
“I’m not stressed!”
Her shout echoed in the office, silencing everyone. Everyone but Etta, anyway. “We just had a bad stomach flu,” she explained softly. “Could that have something to do with it?”
“I suppose. Everyone is different in that regard. Your other symptoms were probably leftovers of a bad stomach bug. You said you had vomiting, diarrhea, and still have bouts of nausea and stomach pain. While thosecanbe signs of the cancers you brought up, such as cervical and ovarian cancer, they are also unfortunately symptoms of many,manyother maladies. The flu, coronaviruses, rhinovirus, and of course even GERD…
Jamie was shamed into silence.
“Your estrogen and blood pressure levels were higher than normal, but not enough to concern me. I’m sorry. If you’re still concerned in another month, you can come back here and we can run the tests again.”
“But… how…”
“Ms. Joy, I want to reiterate that there’s nothingwrong with you as far as I can tell. Perhaps some of your symptoms were psychological. Sometimes… and forgive me if I am very off-base here… if a woman is around other women who are currently going through health predicaments of their own, it can create a psychological effect. Some women report having sympathy symptoms for female friends and family members who are pregnant.”
Is he saying I’m crazy?That hanging around Monique all of two or three times made me think something was happening to me too?Jamie was not deigning any of that with an answer. She looked away from both people in the room, refusing to acknowledge either’s presence.
“Thank you, Doctor,” Etta said, shaking the man’s hand. “We appreciate you taking the time at the last minute to see us.” She nudged Jamie, who continued to stew in her chair. She wasn’t even sure why. Because a man knew her body better than she did? Because Etta looked so relieved?Fuck ‘em both!Jamie shot up from her chair, snatched her bag, and barely had time to compose herself before Etta put a gentle hand on the small of her back and urged her out of the office. The receptionist bade them farewell. Etta’s limo waited for them at the curb.
“Why are we taking the limo to the doctor?”Jamie had asked earlier. Now she knew. No matter the results, she would be too emotional for Etta to drive and take care of herself at the same time. Forget Jamie driving!
The driver closed the door behind her. She didn’t bother to buckle her seatbelt, and neither did Etta. The two of them remained flopped against their seats.
“Where to, Ms. Coleman?” The driver cleared his throat and tried not to stare at them.
“I need to head to my office. Jamie will be heading home, I suppose.” She looked down at Jamie’s set face. “Do you want to go to the penthouse or the house?”
Jamie was too numb to respond. If I go to the penthouse, I will be lonely. If I go home-home, I will be far away from Etta. One was cozier than theother. One also had her cat. “I’ll go to the house,” she said, gruffly. “Take a nap until dinner. You’ll be there, right?”
Etta pushed the button shooting the privacy partition up between them and the driver. The car lurched into motion as it merged into traffic. At this time of day, it would take about twenty minutes to get to Etta’s office.
“I will be there.”
They rode in silence.I don’t have cancer. I’m healthy.Jamie touched her abdomen for the hundredth time in the past week.My body lied to me? My brain lied to me?She didn’t know how she felt about that. On one hand, it was a relief. On the other? She had been so psychologically prepared for the fallout that she suddenly didn’t know what to do with her paranoid energy.
She looked at Etta.On the other hand…
Etta caught her gaze. “What is it? Do you need something?”
Yeah…That familiar feeling she couldn’t control threatened to burst from her eyes.I need you.
Whatever her hormones were doing to make her life hell, they continued to do so now, sending Jamie into her girlfriend’s arms so she could sob uncontrollably against her business suit. Tears stained Etta’s silk shirt. Fingers wrinkled her jacket. Snot got all over her lapel. Shudder after shudder wracked her fragile body, and all Etta could do was offer her comforting heat and a few strokes to her head. She didn’t say anything. She didn’t have to.
“I’m so sorry!” Jamie sobbed. “I’m so stupid! I put you through all that… I should have known better, I should have known I wasn’t really sick! Fuck, I am so stupid!”
Her pats on Jamie’s head turned into rubbing her back.Does it feel good? Does it make me feel better?Jamie couldn’t tell. Her brain was so muddled with the news that she felt like she swam through soup.
“You are not stupid,” Etta said softly. Yet her voice was deep in thatauthoritative“I know what I am saying and you can trust me,”way. Jamie sniffed up her tears, still crying, but no longer losing her shit. Good. Because tears were getting in her hair and mussing it up. “Your instincts were wrong. It happens. We can move on from this. I love you. That’s what ultimately matters. That we love each other.”
Jamie clung to Etta’s shirt, desperate to believe her. But could love really make her feel better right now?What’s wrong with me?Why was she so upset? Wasn’t it a good thing that she didn’t havecancer,of all things?
“What’s really going on, Jamie?”
She pulled her chin out of Etta’s grip and stared at the buttons on the panel by the window.Window down. Window up. Fan. Speaker. Lock. Words that meant nothing right now. “I don’t know,” she admitted. “I was scared, but… what scared me was that, despite the money, despite the prognosis… if I had something going ondown there,I might not be able to have kids. I never thought about it until now. I just took it for granted, you know?” She sniffed. “I don’t even know how you feel about any of that. We’ve never really talked about it! I mean, it’s not the end of the world if I can’t ever give birth to my own kids… or if I never have kids at all… but…”
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say.”
