Axel goes still.
The edges of my vision darken. My chest is tight. I’ve done this now, said the words I’ve been holding in for ten years, and I can’t take them back.
He’s going to replay every interaction. He’s going to realize I’ve been in love with him since we were eighteen. He’s going to give me some kind speech about how stress relief is one thing, but he doesn’t want to give me the wrong idea. He’s going to be kind about it, because Axel is always kind, and that will make it worse.
“I should have told you before.”
“Yes,” he agrees.
Fuck.
I would prefer it if he would say that it doesn’t matter, that I can be gay or straight or bisexual and that’s fine.
“I’m so sorry,” I say. “You’ve been nice to me, and…” The words lodge in my throat. “I-I should go.”
Axel is looking at me funny, and I realize I’m still naked. This is exactly why I delayed having this conversation. So I could have the optimal moment, panicking, with no pants.
“Enzo….” Axel sighs and assesses me.
I don’t know what he’s thinking.
I used to know what he was thinking.
At least… I thought I did.
“I know you’re gay,” Axel says. “I’m glad you told me.”
“You knew?”
“Strongly suspected. But then you started dating Sofia, and I figured I’d had you wrong. But then I didn’t see you date any women after that.”
“You didn’t see me date men,” I say.
“You weren’t that careful.” He gives me a wobbly smile. “I thought you could have been bi, but, uh?—”
“I’m not.”
“I had it right.” He flashes a tight smile. “You could have told me, Enz. I thought I was your best friend. I even gave that whole speech in the locker room after I became captain.”
“You were.”
“I wanted to force a conversation with you, but I wasn’t sure. It’s not like we saw each other often after you started playing for LA.”
“No,” I agree. “We didn’t.”
“And I guess I thought it was your business.” He sighs. “You don’t like heavy conversations. I didn’t want to make you freak out during your season.”
“Oh.”
“I thought probably you would start dating someone and then you would tell me. But you never did.”
I watch him. “I can’t believe you knew.”
“Shit, Enz. I didn’t want you to feel like you had to hide parts of yourself around me. I just liked hanging out with you, you know? I didn’t care who you were dating.”
“That’s nice…” I narrow my gaze. “So are you…?”
He shrugs. “I mean, everyone is sort of attractive, right? Men’s parts are interesting just like women’s parts are interesting.”
