Axel
“I had three years to date other people, Enzo.”
He draws back like I’ve struck him, and I realize how that sounded.
“Wait. Let me finish. I know that we weren’t dating back then, but face it, we probably should have. We probably should have started dating in college. I—” I shake my head. “I don’t know what I was thinking in not doing that.”
“You were thinking you were straight.”
I shift my legs.
His mouth drops open. “You knew you weren’t straight? Seriously?”
“I mean, it’s not like you’re unattractive, Enzo. You model all the time. Of course I noticed you. I used to get hard when we watched movies together.”
“Seriously?”
“Not the whole time! Sometimes those films were pretty violent. But I noticed you, definitely. But I wasn’t completely sure about you. And the men I thought you might be hooking up with never looked like me.”
He nods without looking at me. “I didn’t want to be reminded of you.”
“And, I don’t know, it felt like we were already intimate. I didn’t want to change anything and make it worse. It’s not that I had any experience with men. What if we made things physical, and it didn’t feel right? I was so happy with what we had.”
Enzo looks stricken. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“I know,” I soothe. “And it’s fine. I mean… it’s not, because you carved out my heart. But you know what? I also had three years to date other people, to find a happily ever after with someone not you, and I had no obligation to you. And you know what? All I did was miss you.”
His eyes go glassy.
“I can say with complete confidence that you’re all I want in my life. Well, you and Luca. One family. You like that?”
“I-I do.”
I take his hands in mine. “And you have to promise to tell me if you ever doubt me. You have to tell me if I do something wrong, because it will happen.”
“I-I promise.”
“And you might be so upset that you want to assume I’m bad or that I don’t care about you or that you’re self-sacrificing yourself by closing off from me because you think I’m busy or whatever, but you can’t do that. Promise me.”
“I promise. I will.”
I smile. “I know you will. But let me finish this.”
He nods.
“If you ever feel that I don’t care about you, you have to come to me. You can say ‘remember that time I made you that promise to talk’ and I’ll know it’s important. You can huff and pout, but you have to tell me. And if I have questions about you—like if you don’t respond to my texts or something, you have to talk to me. I need you to do that. I-I can’t bear another separation. I can’t.”
Tears spill over, tracking down his cheeks faster than he can blink them back. He pulls me into his arms, and buries his face against my neck, his whole body shaking. I pull my arms tightly around him.
“I love you,” I tell him.
“I love you too.”
“I can’t function without you. I don’t want a day where I don’t end it talking to you.”
“I-I don’t either.”
I rub the back of his head. “I know. That’s a good thing.”
