Isn’t sex how most people make babies?
And Axel was so handsome. He slept with different women all the time.
“And you didn’t ask him about it or give him the chance to explain?” Jane asks.
“N-no.” My voice wobbles, and I hate it. My eyes burn, and I blink.
I glance up at the Zoom screen.
Jane sighs. “I cannot be blamed for that.”
“No,” I agree. “I-I should talk to him.”
I switch off the computer. The screen goes dark. My reflection stares back at me, horrified.
I failed Axel.
I kept him away from his son. He could have known Luca from birth. And I know he wouldn’t have been involved, but still—Gaby was my sister. He would have seen her from time to time.
Tears sting my eyes, and I blink hard.
I kept a father from his son. I kept Axel from Luca.
Just like?—
No. I can’t think about that. I can’t.
But I do. Of course I do.
Why didn’t I ask him?
I didn’t want him to tell me that, oh yeah, he remembered that time with my sister, and that that was a really crazy day or night or whenever it was that he decided to strip her naked and rut into her.
I didn’t want to hear him confirm that he’d acted terribly. I didn’t want to hear him say ‘oops, the condom didn’t work’ or ‘he’ll pay for her to have it removed’ or whatever terrible thing I imagined he might say.
But I should have given him the chance to not say those things.
I-I just hadn’t believed enough in him, enough in me that he would have seen my sister as off-limits.
I slide onto the floor, tears flooding my face. The carpet is rough against my feet, and the wooden bedframe is hard against my back.
My head spins, and I want to lock myself in here forever.
But I can’t hide in my room—in Axel’s room, oh God, in Axel’s room.
He’ll want me to leave. He’ll tell me he’s disappointed, and I’ll say I agree. I’ll pack up and leave him with his son and tell Luca I’ll visit—and I hope to God he’ll allow me to visit.
Because I’m not Luca’s father. I’m the uncle. The uncle who kept Luca from his father for too long. Luca took to Axel at once, and if Gaby hadn’t told me to take Luca to Axel as she lay dying, I never would have. If the truck had killed Gaby at once, Axel never would have known that he’d had a son, and Luca would never have known his real father.
I rise from the floor. I need to face what I’ve done.
CHAPTER
THIRTY-ONE
Axel
My hands won’t stop shaking. I text Sofia that we’ll be late picking up Luca from his playdate with Sofia’s kids. She responds immediately and tells me to take all the time we need, and I try to remember how to breathe.
