Still, I pleaded my case. Begged her. Prayed as I groveled that she would say yes. But fear had won out. And if her mind hadn’t been made up by the time I dropped her off, the cruel words I’d left her with would have done the trick.
It was my own fault, really. I knew better than to assume she would say yes. Good gosh, I’d barely gotten her to go out on one date, and even that was under the guise of a day out with Jade, based on a bet. What had possessed me to think she would be ready for me to waltz in and steal her away?
I rubbed my face and looked back down at the half-packed bag open on the bed in front of me. I knew exactly what had possessed me to think that. It had been the way her eyes had lit up while we’d danced in front of Teacher-What’s-His-Face back at the bistro. And the way she’d nearly burst into tears when we pulled into the event arena parking lot. Or the way her breath had hitched up on the bridge when I kissed her temple.
The way she leaned into me during our dance at the ball, when for one beautiful second, everything had been right.
My reverie was broken by the sound of a tap-tap-tapping on glass. I went to the window and looked out, but nothing was there. Not that I could have seen it well anyway. It was eleven p.m., and the wind was blowing branches against my window. I went back to packing.
Well, what had she expected anyway? She knew I was the kind of guy to play for keeps. Everything had been right. It really had. She loved Jade nearly as much as I did, and I knew there wouldn’t have been any surprises one day if Jade needed to come live with us. She would have been a great mother. And from our chats, I knew she wanted at least three, whereas Amy hadn’t been sure she wanted more than even one. Everything had been perfect, but she was just too scared to see it. Refused to see it.
Anger heated my limbs as I opened the fridge door just to slam it shut again. It didn’t make sense. I’d been with Amy a lot longer, and our breakup hadn’t affected me like this. I hadn’t felt increasing volumes of anger, frustration, and if I was honest, searing, hot pain, cycling through me on repeat. Really, we known each other for less than two months. I should probably be thanking her for saving me from a lifetime of regret for marrying someone I barely even knew.
The tapping started again. This time, I threw open the sliding glass door and scowled down at my little sister. “Jade! You are absolutely never to be out here alone. You know that.” I glanced at the pool, sending up a thousand prayers that she hadn’t decided to take herself swimming. There was a gate around the pool, of course, but that didn’t really make me feel a whole lot better. “It is two o’clock on a Thursday morning. What on earth are you doing up?
She just shrugged and walked past me into the casita.
“Nickleby gone,” she said, climbing onto my bed and turning on the TV. “I’m bored.” Apparently, she didn’t care what time of night it was.
I stared at her for a moment before shaking my head and following her. I grabbed her up and plopped her in my lap as the melodious sounds of a talking sponge filled my little apartment.
She pointed at my uniform, which I’d hung on a bookshelf the night of the ball, barely coherent enough not to rumple it. “Nickleby’s dress pretty?”
I worked to keep my voice even. Of course Jade would be interested. She loved rocks and sugar, but her third love in this world was princesses. And I wouldn’t gain anything by refusing to tell her about Jessie’s dress. I wasn’t that immature.
“It was blue, kid.” And fit her like graceful waves unfurling on the shore.
“You eat cupcakes?” She turned to study me with such a quizzical eye that I couldn’t help laughing.
“Nah, no cupcakes.” I ruffled her hair. “But there was cake. And it looked pretty good.” Not that I’d gotten to eat any.
Still, she turned back to the TV, seeming satisfied for the moment. And as she snuggled in closer, I hugged her to my chest and closed my eyes. Soon she began to drift off, her eyes drooping and no longer attached to the TV screen. A few more minutes, and she was snoring. I should put her to bed. I needed to go to bed. We were deploying in less than twenty-four hours, and I’d had trouble sleeping since the ball, and not for a lack of trying. But I was sure going to miss this. I could afford five more minutes of holding her close.
A peace came over me as I listened to her steady breathing. Not a happy peace, per se, but one of resolution. Jessie could do as she pleased. If she didn’t want to be my wife, I could live with that. Because for now, one woman in my life was more than enough. And I was going to do my darnedest to take care of her.
37
That, Too
Jessie
Iput my pen down and closed my eyes, breathing deeply of the scent of work. Glue. Paint. Paper. Crayons. This was where I was meant to be. Not sitting at home, worrying about the fate of my fiancé, who would have been arriving at his place of deployment any day. Because he wasn’t my fiancé, and I wasn’t waiting for him to come home.
I opened my eyes and looked around my classroom. After a final week with Jade, which, thankfully, had been free of Derrick, I was back at school. This had relieved me more than I could say. According to his mother, who seemed to have no idea of what had transpired between us, he had actually insisted on sleeping properly for once and preparing for deployment. Every morning, I’d held my breath as I turned the corner onto their street, praying he wouldn’t be home, and every evening, praying he wouldn’t emerge from his casita until I was gone.
The days had seemed oddly empty without him. But I’d taken several deep breaths and told Jade it was for the best anyway. She was going back to her usual therapy schedule for the school year, and I used the extra time to work with her to prepare her for our first week back as well as her choir tryout. All the extra time we’d previously spent dragging Jade around, I used to prepare for my own return to the classroom.
Going. If I just kept going, I was able to keep the pain emanating from the hole in my heart from growing too sharp. And between the staff meetings, lesson planning, classroom prepping, and last-minute supply shopping, there was more than enough to keep me busy. I also had the paperwork for my master’s degree to finish. But for some reason, even though it was staring at me from my desktop, I couldn’t get myself to get past typing my name at the top. It was like lifting my fingers to press the keys was more than my mind could sort out. Like it just couldn’t handle adding one more thing.
I’d been around Derrick far too long. He was rubbing off on me.
“Jessie?”
I turned in my swivel chair to see Sam standing in the doorway. I smiled. “What’s up?”
He rubbed his neck and looked up at the ceiling, his light blue button-up shirt and slacks looking freshly pressed and clean as always. Nothing like the sweaty, frizzy mess I felt like. “Look,” he said with a slight grimace, “I’ve been thinking about what that guy said.”
“That guy?”
