I glance at my trembling hands. My entire body is vibrating with a barely leashed feeling. Desire. I almost don’t recognize it. I’ve only felt it with one other person, and it was so much softer, so much tamer than this.
“I think I’m having a realization…”
Those words don’t do anything to dispel the confusion and concern twisting Maddy’s features.
I whip out my phone and shoot off a text to Shane that this might be a while longer. The poor dude is just stuck in my car.
My text message alert goes off almost immediately.
Shane: Take your time, Cowboy. I’m chillin’ with your old teammates. Had to piss and couldn’t wait any longer.
Good. That works out really well. I have time. Maddy and I have time.
I glance up at Maddy, and he wings awhat the fuck is going onbrow at me. “That was Shane. My teammate. He, uh, was sitting in my car outside. He’s the one who forced me to come here and talk to you. He’s downstairs now.”
Maddy watches me carefully. “Looks like I owe Shane a thank you.”
Fuck, we both do. Like alifetime supply of beer-sized thank you.
I rake my gaze over Maddy, taking in his tight white tee, the way it clings to his biceps, the way I can see the subtle outline of every one of his abs. My attention snags on the ink circling his corded forearm. I drag my teeth over my bottom lip. He’s wearing black Adidas sweats that hug his thighs and are tight around the ankle. I let out a shaky breath. Wow. I’m realizing things, all right. I’m having a fucking revelation.
I’ve learned a lot about myself since Maddy and I had that illuminating conversation in this very room freshman year. The biggest thing was that labels aren’t for me. All I know is I don’t feel sexual attraction like the typical person. I am capable, though. I felt it with Shelby. It was the first time I’d had sex with a person and enjoyed it because of the person it was with, felt like I’d shared something with someone. The first time I regularly wanted it.
When I was learning about asexuality and the spectrum, I was confused where I fit. I didn’tnotenjoy sex. But I didn’t really care about the person it was with. If it was them or my hand, it was an orgasm. I didn’t look at someone and want sex. I didn’t have sex until my freshman year at GCSU, and it happened by accident. A girl kind of just led the way, and I followed. It wasn’t bad—I mean, an orgasm doesn’t ever feel bad, does it? But I didn’t have any urge to do it again or seek it out. What I felt was…indifference, I guess.
Then Shelby and I started hanging out. One day after about six months of study sessions and casual meals and movies, I looked over at her and I was like…I want to kiss her. I’ve never had the urge to kiss anyone in my life. So, I kissed her—pretty clumsily, I might add. And my dick was like,I would like to participate too. It was the most confusing day of my life. I know sexuality is different for everyone, but for me, it was kind of terrifying, feeling desire for the first time, the only time. I thought maybe she was the exception. I swallow hard. But it’s happening again, and I don’t know what that means about me. Why am I only just now wanting him like this? Why didn’t I ever think about him this way before?
The problem here is, I don’t know what to do about it. Sex with women, even before I desired it, was something I’d done, something discussed openly among the guys. I knew what went where. I don’t even know what I want to do with Maddy. I justwanthim.
So much.
Oh, God. It hurts how badly I want him. Is this what everyone else has been going on about all these years? Because this is awful. I think it’s eating me from the inside out.
“Can you talk to me about what’s going through your head?” Maddy asks. “What are you realizing? You kind of look like you’re in pain.”
I know the healthy way to handle these situations is to talk them out. But I am so far from a state where I can form coherent thought. So, instead I walk up to Maddy and do some really mature shit. I grab his hand and put it on my rock-hard dick.
His eyes fly wide.
My body erupts, a cannon blast of lust lighting up my insides. “Help,” I plead.Put me out of my misery.
His throat constricts in a swallow, and his lips part on a slow exhale. “What do you want?” His words are like gravel, rough, and they scrape over my skin, making me shiver.
“I don’t know,” I whisper. “Just take care of me, Maddy. I trust you. I’ll always trust myself with you.”
He nods and steps closer. “You don’t need all the answers yet. I’ve got you, East. We’ll go slow, figure this out together.”
Like we always do.
“You and me,” he whispers.
He reaches for the zipper of my hoodie and slowly drags it down. He pushes the sweatshirt from my shoulders, and my nerves burn every single place his fingers graze. Then the tips of his fingers dust over my stomach just under my t-shirt, and I nearly jump out of my skin. He skates them back and forth, pulling a ragged breath from me. My cock aches against the fly of my jeans. My brain still can’t wrap itself around what’s happening. But Maddy’s got me. He’s always had me.
His fingers play with the bottom of my shirt. “Clothes on or off?” The whispered words float around us.
My body screamsoff, but I pause. Take a breath. He watches me. Waits patiently. No need to rush.We’ll go slow. I give myself a minute to think it over—picture it in my mind. Visions flash: chiseled abs, strong thighs, flexing biceps, long thick fingers. My pulse jumps. I want to…see, touch, explore.
“Off,” I whisper.
