What am I to do now?Exhausted, Jane closed her eyes and went to sleep, resolving to think on the matter in the fresh morning light.
She awoke feeling somewhat better, dressing in a simple gray gown.I shall have to dye some of my wardrobe black.She grimaced at the distasteful thought of marring her beautiful clothes in honor of the man she had married. The fondness she had developed in the first months of her marriage had been squelched after Elizabeth had been cast from the house.
The first order of business after breakfast was to write a more detailed letter to Elizabeth. Jane sat before her writing table, wondering where to begin. She dipped her pen in the ink and put it to a fresh sheet of paper.
Dear Elizabeth,
I am sure you have many questions after the express I sent yesterday. Here are the further details I promised.
Yesterday, upon learning of our father’s death, Mr. Collins hurried to Rosings Park to consult with Lady Catherine. In hisexcitement, it seems he fell down a flight of stairs, breaking his neck in the process.
I ought not to speak ill of the dead, but he was very exultant upon learning that he would inherit Longbourn so soon. He left me in distress, and I do not feel as though I can forgive him at this time.
I have packed my trunk but must see to the rest of the house. When I leave here, I have no intention of returning, despite Miss de Bourgh’s kind offer for me to remain as long as I need. You know my story, Lizzy, and I am eager to put the past behind me as soon as may be. As such, I shall not be at Longbourn for our father’s funeral. Pray, put roses on his grave for me.
I must prevail upon you, dear sister, for something more. I could carry Longbourn’s heir, and so the nature of the entail is uncertain until my child is born. I do not wish to return to Meryton unless I must for the sake of a son. Memories of the last weeks in our father’s house torment me, and I cannot bear to be around our mother’s nerves. She will fret endlessly until she knows her future is secure. Can I prevail upon you to open your home to me and your niece or nephew?
I felt so strong just two days ago, my dearest sister, and now… I do not regret my choices. I married for the love of my family, and I shall press on for the love of my child. I shall await word from you at Hunsford.
Yours,
Jane Collins
She signed the letter, sanded, and sealed it. Donning her outerwear, she resolved to see it posted personally, and walked into Hunsford Village. The letter safely on its way, Jane went back to the parsonage. She could not call it home anymore, for in a short time, she would leave it forever, never to return. Thethought filled her with anxiety and pain, but also hope for a new beginning, free of her nonsensical husband.
Over the next few days while she awaited Elizabeth’s reply, she dyed several of her least favorite gowns out of respect for mourning customs. Ever proper, Jane knew she would dress in black for six months and in half mourning for six more, despite not loving her husband.I shall think of the gesture as being only for my father,she reasoned.
She had developed a sort of fondness for him before he banned her from speaking to Elizabeth, and like a seed starved of water and sunlight, her growing affection had shriveled and died. Now she could only put on the appearance of distress and sadness, for she knew those sentiments did not truly exist in her heart.
Elizabeth’s letter came two days later. She opened it wearily and read.
My dear Jane,
How alone you must have been, first with news of our father and then with the sudden death of Mr. Collins! We have not told Mama yet. Our sisters are being circumspect. Yes, even Lydia. I have sent word to Uncle Phillips, and he has informed me that we know nothing until the birth of your child. Should it be a son, the entail will be ended, and he will inherit. Our uncle states that you will be guardian and trustee for your child unless your husband had another will.
Jane paused, breathing a sigh of relief. Her husband had left no will, and so there would be no one to challenge her right to her child’s guardianship. Longbourn would be a tempting prospect to unscrupulous relatives. She returned to Lizzy’s letter.
When you have finished your preparations for departure, I beg you to come to Pemberley. We are not to return to town. My husband has said I may invite whomever I wish, and so I extend the offer to you, my dearest sister. Come and stay withme. I shall install you in a chamber near to mine and spend every day in your company.
I have sent a letter to my new cousin, Miss de Bourgh, asking if one of her carriages will carry you to London. From there, one of my husband’s coaches will transport you to Derbyshire. Travel as slowly as you like and put any expenses on the Darcy accounts. The coachman will stop at the usual establishments frequented by my husband.
In happier news, Charlotte has become engaged to Sir Andrew. I do not know when they will marry. I sent a note informing her of our father’s death, so if they marry before we are out of mourning, which I believe they will, then we cannot attend. I am very happy for her. At least one of us married for love.
Be safe, dear sister.
Elizabeth Darcy
Jane folded the letter, breathing a sigh of relief. Her future had been determined, at least until her child was born.
She spent the next week carefully sorting through her husband’s things. She kept a small trunk of mementos for her child and arranged for the rest to be donated to parish families. When she had gone through the entire house, a small pile of trunks had accumulated in the front hall. Hanson appeared the morning she intended to depart, along with a coach and another footman. Trunks loaded, Jane climbed aboard and closed the door. Having given her farewells when her neighbors called to condole with her, she had nothing more to do than to depart.
With a final glance at the parsonage, she turned away, determined not to look back.The only way to go is forward now,she told herself. Hand on her stomach, she smiled at the prospect of the future for the first time in months.
Chapter Thirty-Six
July 3, 1812
Pemberley
