With my hand in hers, I feel like a fraud.
She frowns. ‘Home?’
I let go and sit down on the bed beside her. My heart is thumping in my chest and my face is slowly burning up. How can I bring myself to say the words out loud? I want to be sick.
‘I did something terrible,’ I say.
She eyes me curiously.
‘Last summer.’
I pause, trying to dredge up every ounce of courage from within me.
‘Do you remember when I went to see Mistress Morris about my university application?’
Sophie nods. ‘We all did. She wrote our recommendation letters.’
‘Her daughter was also applying to study Mathematics at the University of London,’ I say.
‘I remember,’ Sophie says. ‘Lily.’
I nod. ‘Morris was worried Lily wouldn’t get in. So she asked me to do something.’
‘What could you possibly have done to help Lily get into university?’
I close my eyes and remember. Despite Sophie and I being on the Fast Track Programme to attend university early, Morris warned me that the universities were becoming even more selective.
‘Morris said you were Lily’s main competition. And . . .’ I take a deep breath and force the words out. ‘She asked me toimitate your handwriting to change some of your responses to the Examination.’
Sophie shakes her head slightly, as if she’s misheard me. Then she goes as still as solid rock.
‘She said that if I refused she’d remove me from Fast Track and have me stay on at school for another year. But if I helped her she’d personally speak to the Dragon Tongues admissions team about me.’
I wish I could shrink into nothing, but I force myself to look into Sophie’s eyes because it’s the least she deserves. I can feel my face turning bright red, hot like a fever. ‘It’s my fault you failed the Examination, Sophie. You were never ill-prepared or not clever enough. I changed your results so that you would fail and Lily could get the university place instead of you.’
Sophie sways. ‘B-but … why?’
‘I wanted to go to university earlier, to be the first to graduate at age twenty as a qualified Draconic Translator,’ I say, tears streaming down my face. ‘I was scared that if I didn’t do it, she’d write me a bad reference and I’d never get in. But Sophie, listen to me. I promise you that I regretted it as soon as I’d done it. I regret it still. And after you told me what happened to you, to Nicolas … I had no idea what life would be like for you.’
Sophie’s eyes are screwed shut. ‘But … you knew you’d never see me again. That I’d have to leave my parents. That I’d never be able to study.’
‘I . . . yes,’ I sob. ‘I’m so sorry. I hate myself for it. And I don’t deserve your forgiveness, I know that. I ruined your lifeout of selfishness and ambition. I betrayed you. But please . . . please don’t hate me forever.’
Sophie is standing up now and when I reach out a hand she tenses and backs away. Her eyes are still closed, but there’s a look of absolute disgust on her face. My chest tightens and my head spins at the sight of it. Then her eyes fly open.
‘Hate you?’ she says, and her voice is almost a whisper. ‘I don’t even recognise you.’ Her mouth twists into a pained smile. ‘But you’ll pay for what you did to me.’
I can barely breathe, as if I’m about to suffocate within my own body.
‘I’m so sorry, Sophie.’
It’s all I can say, over and over.
‘I’m so sorry.’
She stares at me, her eyes flashing with fury. For a moment, it looks like she might kill me. I feel drunk, like I’ve descended into the deepest depths of oblivion with no way out.
‘I’ll spend my life making it up to you,’ I say.
