I cringe and back away even further. “Don’t! Don’t say that.”
“Why not? I do. I love you.”
Every word out of his mouth feels like it’s flaying me. All of them saying that they love me. Men. Women. Obsessed, following me, endless confessions ofI love you, I love you. I hate those words. That guy earlier tonight loved me enough to throw himself out a window! No, I didn’t care about him. I’m a monster, after all. But I do care about— I mean, ifLaydengot hurt because of some stupid obsession?—
I back up. “I never wanted that!” I yell.
He blinks at me, too naïve to hide his hurt. “But I thought we…”
“You thought we, what?” I’m driving him even further away. But it’s what I have to do. For him. For me. It hurts but feels good at the same time. I deserve to hurt.
“You thought we were falling in love?” I make my tone as scathing as possible, and he’s the one taking a step back now.
“Why would I ever fall in love with someone like you? You see how I live.” I wave my arms around me. “I’m used topower. I took pity on you.”
I barely know what I’m saying; I just know I see the growing devastation in his eyes, and it’s good. It’s far better to wound him now than whatever might happen to him later from being around me. He’ll get hurt by me or by Vlad. I’m poison. So, like the viper I am, I keep striking out at him.
“What good is an angel without wings? You’re ugly. You’re weak.”
“No,” he says, swallowing hard. “I was the only one brave enough to stand up to our father?—”
“And how’d that go?” I ask mercilessly. “Your brothers buried you alive afterward, and you let them getawaywith it. Seems like they actually know how to make their way in thisworld.” I shake my head at him and make the pity heavy in my voice. “You’re just so naïve.”
I turn and start walking away from him, even though it means I’m walking out of my own room. I don’t know where I’m going. I just have to get away from him and the pain I see on his handsome face. The pain I’ve inflicted on him.
But he just runs to get ahead of me, turning to get in my face.
The puppy dog look is gone. Instead, his features are hard in a way that makes my heart break. “Fine,” he says. “I’m too naïve? I’ll go get experience. I’ll give my brothers what they deserve. Will that make you happy?”
“Fuck what makes me happy!” I yell. I grab the vase of flowers from the foyer and fling it against the wall. “Do you hear how fucking useless you are? You sound just like all my fawning admirers. I adore you, Mistress, I’ll do whatever you say,Mistress. I can’t even tell if my fucking compulsionhasstarted working on you or if you’re just this fuckingpathetic!”
I see the full weight of my words hit him in the chest. Worse than any blow.
“You don’t want another fawning admirer?” he says through his teeth. “Fine. I’m gone.”
Then he spins and walks away, out of the compound, and he doesn’t come back. Proving yet again he was never under my compulsion at all.
Which is exactly why I have to let him go. Nothing’s holding him here now. Not yet. Sabra might feel like she’s been trapped here and hates me, but I’ll never let that happen to him.
Knowing I’ve saved him from me and my family doesn’t stop the tears from coming. I lean against the wall and slide down as I start to cry. Quietly at first, swiping the tears away quickly and trying to deny I’m even sad. It’s not a big deal. He was only here for two months and two months is nothing considering how long I’ve existed.
But soon, I’m hiccupping from crying so hard, and then it’s outright sobbing. Ugly, ugly sobbing that leaves me holding my stomach in the fetal position because I’m crying so hard.
I wish I could call Sabra like back when we were teenagers and gossiping about the boys we liked. Back when the boys we liked were just faces on the screen of our at-home theater projector in the upstairs wing.
But it’s all different now. I sob into my hands. The things I said to Layden. My stomach cramps, hurting over how mean I was. What I said about his brothers. And his… his father. I cover my face with my hands. Because this isn’t just a crush. And I know the ache of losing someone never really goes away… when you… when youlovethem.
TWELVE
PHOENIX
I sit on my bed,staring around my pink room and thinking about Layden. Missing him feels like all I do lately. I think I’ll miss him forever. I shouldn’t have sent him away like that. I’m wracked by grief and guilt one second and then sure I did the right thing the next.
I miss himsobadly. I grab my phone and check it for texts, but of course, there are none.
I didn’t think missing someone could hurt this much. I miss my parents, yeah, but that missing just feels like a dull ache. I was a kid back then and didn’t understand what was happening. This is fresh and hurts in my lungs. And my stomach.
I look at the clock. 9:12 at night. Almost time for another long night of tossing and turning, unable to sleep. I slump down on the bed and pull a blanket over me.
