“I just hope the conversation was therapeutic for her. Perhaps it helped her to work through some things.” Maria pursed her lips. “I’d like to think some good might come of it. For your mother, anyway.”
“What Mom really needs is a good therapist.” Carol snickered, then felt guilty. “I know I don’t really understand her, but I’ve believed for some time that she’s an honest-to-goodness narcissist. And based on what I’ve read, narcissists are hard to help, because they’re so certain they’re right and everyone else is wrong. Because of that, they seldom change. But it seems worth a try. Maybe I’ll gently suggest she get some professional help.” Then maybe she’ll stop dumping her problems on everyone else.
“Or maybe we just need to be praying for her.” Maria set down her empty teacup. “And forgiving her ... and loving her ... unconditionally.”
Carol nodded but felt guilty as she gathered up the tea things. Was she honestly doing those things herself? She remembered how she’d once told her mother that refusing to forgive another was like eating poison and expecting the one you were angry with to get sick and die. Yet wasn’t she withholding forgiveness from Mom?
Instead of dealing with her worries, she distracted herself with housework.
By the end of the day, the house was spotless, she was exhausted, and Maria was worn-out too. They both turned in early. But as Carol lay awake in her bed, she could no longer distract herself. She really did need to forgive her mom ... before it ate her alive ... or poisoned her. She knew she needed help to do this and so she prayed, honestly telling God that she felt powerless against her feelings. By the time she finished praying,she could tell something inside of her had changed. Oh, she might feel different by tomorrow and need to go through the whole process again, but for the moment, she felt that she’d forgiven her mother. She thanked God, took in a deep breath, and prepared herself for a good night’s sleep.
15
Carol awoke refreshed and energized the next day. She looked out her window and soaked in the white snow sparkling in the sunlight and the wide span of clear blue sky. What a beautiful morning! She dressed warmly, then went downstairs to a quiet house and opened the drapes, letting the sunlight flow in. Seeing the darkened glass of the woodstove, she assumed her aunt would appreciate a fire, so she trekked outside. After sweeping off some of the blown snow from last night, she gathered a load of firewood and carried it in. She was cheerfully humming “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing” when Maria entered the room.
“Somebody’s full of Christmas spirit this morning,” her aunt said.
“How could I not be?” Carol smiled at her. “It’s a beautiful day. We have a nice clean house. In a minute or two I’ll have a nice fire going to take the chill off. And I’m about to make a pot of coffee.”
“I’m not sure if you’re an angel of mercy or one of Santa’s elves, but I’m so glad you’re here.”
Carol lit the paper and kindling she’d arranged, then stood. “I’m so glad to be here.” She thought about how close she’dcome to abandoning her aunt just two days ago. “And you know what’s caught me by surprise this morning?”
“What?”
“I’m actually looking forward to Christmas for the first time ever.” Carol helped with the buttons on Maria’s flannel shirt, impressed that she’d gotten this far dressed on her own.
“Wonderful. I’m looking forward to it too.” Maria sighed. “I didn’t expect to feel like that ... ever again.”
Carol hugged her aunt. “I’m sure you’ll have your sad moments. It’s only natural.”
“Yes. I’ve heard the first Christmas after losing a loved one can be hard. But with you here to help me face it, I feel hopeful.” She glanced toward the kitchen. “Now how about that coffee?”
“Coming right up.”
****
After breakfast, Carol drove Maria to the Clarksons’, which was just down the road. Their house looked newer, though it had a very similar feel to Maria’s property. As she helped Maria out of the car and onto the porch, Carol felt a slight wave of trepidation wash over her. She was on Victor’s turf, and bumping into him seemed inevitable. Maria had mentioned he was probably out doing chores. She must’ve suspected Carol’s uneasiness. Although, she couldn’t know why Carol had anxiety about seeing him.
Antonia greeted them at the door and welcomed them inside. Their house was warm and homey but not nearly as carefully put together as Maria’s home. Still, it was cozy.
Larry waved from his recliner and Carol went over to say hello while Antonia helped Maria remove her coat.
“You don’t have to stay here and work in the kitchen if you have other things you need to be doing,” Antonia told Carol.
“I don’t have anything that needs doing.” She smiled. “But I could visit with Larry a bit.”
Antonia’s expression relayed how much that would be appreciated. So as the older women headed for the kitchen, Carol sat down to chat with Larry. She made small talk that he may or may not have understood, but he seemed grateful for the attention. Larry looked half asleep when she was finally running out of topics of conversation. She heard the front door open and turned to see Victor coming in. Holding a forefinger to her lips, she tipped her head toward his dad. Victor motioned for her to come over to him.
“Want to do some errands in town with me?” he whispered.
“Sure.” She nodded nervously.
“Get your coat and I’ll let my mom know.”
****
Carol was surprised how good it felt to be riding next to him in his pickup ... again. Like coming home, although that made no sense. She was still a bit nervous, but at the same time she felt relaxed. That, too, made no sense.
