“What you need, Mr. Emerson, is a hammock lesson.” She beamed at him. “And I am just the one to give it to you.”
“Well, I don’t know.”
“Come on,” she urged. “With a few handy tips, you’ll soon discover the wonders of good hammocking.”
“Hammocking?” He frowned. “I don’t think that’s a word.”
She just laughed. “Meet me at your front porch—and I will give you a free training session.” And then she hurried away.
Knowing he had little choice, George went through his house, but as he opened his front door, he was already concocting an excuse to send his “helpful” neighbor on her way. “Thank you for—”
“Don’t mention it,” she said as she forced her way into his house. It was the first time she’d been inside, and she brazenly looked all around. “Looks like this is the same floor plan as my house, but not quite as cozy looking.” She grinned. “More like a bachelor pad, eh?” She was already leading him through the kitchen and out to the backyard. “Lesson number one,” she said with authority. “We need to lower your hammock a bit.” Already she was adjusting the S-hook and chain on one side. “Take it down a couple of links,” she instructed him.
“But this is so low,” he countered. “Won’t my backside be dragging in the—”
“Trust me. It’s just right. Next you need a lightweightrope.” She pointed to a lower branch of the apple tree. “We’ll tie it there. It should be long enough to comfortably reach nearly to the ground.”
“Whatever for?” Did she want him to hang himself?
“It’s a pull rope,” she explained. “You dangle it over your hammock and give it a little tug to set your hammock swinging.”
“Oh?” He nodded. “That makes sense.”
“Besides that, you need a nice, thick blanket or two.”
“But it’s not cold—”
“To lay on top of the hammock,” she said. “It’s to pad you from these strings. I had a hammock just like this and, believe me, those strings will leave nasty welts all over the back of you. Not pretty.”
“Oh yes, that is a good idea.”
“And then you’ll want a nice, soft pillow for your head.”
He nodded. “You really do seem to know hammocks.” He wondered if he should’ve been taking notes.
“And then you might want to place a little outdoor table out here. Not so close that you’ll knock it over, but close enough to set a cool drink or some reading material or sunglasses. You know, the comforts you’ll want while relaxing.”
George looked at his neighbor with fresh appreciation. “You have clearly given this much thought.”
“I told you I was experienced.” She chuckled. “So let’s go inside and gather the things you need, and then I’ll show you the best way for getting in and out of a hammock. I thought you almost had it, but then, well, you saw what happened.”
Convinced this woman knew her stuff, George allowed her back in his house, and before long they had gathered up an old quilt made for him by his grandmother when he wasa boy, a soft feather pillow, some clothesline, and even a TV tray. With Lorna’s assistance, they soon had everything all set up outside.
“I must say this almost looks inviting,” George admitted as he stood back to look. “But I’m not sure ... I really don’t relish the notion of being dumped on the ground again.”
“That’s why you need to learn the proper way of entering and exiting a hammock. Let me demonstrate. Your technique for getting in backwards was good. But you need to do it like this.” With her back to the hammock, she grasped it with both hands, easing herself to a seated position. Then she went down sideways and carefully rolled over, smiling as if this were nothing. Next she reached for the clothesline and gave it a little tug. “There. See? Easy peasy.”
“Hmm.”
“And here is how you get out.” She reversed what she’d just done and was now on her feet. “See?”
“I, uh, I guess so.”
She straightened out the mussed quilt and fluffed the pillow. “Your turn.”
Uncertain he wanted to attempt such a feat with an audience, he was about to decline. But remembering that she’d witnessed his earlier humiliation, George decided to give it a try. He cautiously backed up to the hammock and proceeded to imitate her steps—and, to his surprise, it worked.
“Voila.” She clapped her hands then handed him the loop that she’d tied at the end of the clothesline.
