“Stop that.”
I stand up, my panic turning to anger in an instant. His face is broken, his hands raised in surrender.
“Okay. If you don’t want to leave, what do you need? Water? Here, come sit down.”
“I said, stopthat.”
“Stop what?”
His voice is still gentle, but I’m desperate to get a different kind of reaction. He can’t be like this. Not really. We’ve been pretending and I need him to show me who he really is. I can’t get attached to this version of him, not when I know there is another side. There always is. Where’s the side of him that will grow cold and callous when he has his fill of me? Where’s the side who was full of judgment when he saw what I was doing the night we met. That’s the one I need to see. That’s the side that will confirm my foolishness.
“Stop pandering to me. Stop caring so much.”
“Lottie, I’m not?—”
“You are. You’re being too nice.”
“Too nice?”
My chest is less tight now, the anger in my belly burning through the anxiety. Good. Anger is productive and gives me an edge. He watches me, careful, like he doesn’t know what to do. A lick of satisfaction at finally being the one to set him off balance courses through me and I sniff before straightening my shoulders.
“Yes.”
“You’re upset.”
“I said I’m fine.”
“I’m just trying to understand.”
A thread of confused dejection sweeps through his response and the armor I’m working to rebuild shifts. Noah doesn’t know about my new and quiet hope for more. I didn’t share mythoughts on the Barkers or the way watching their relationship started to tempt me towards thinking about security. As far as he is concerned, we are still in agreement and everything we’ve done is a momentary whirlwind. Nothing more.
This spiral is mine alone.
“I’m fine. I had a momentary lapse after Tom’s speech because I stupidly realized, for the first time, our fooling around might have bigger consequences. For Flourish.”
I include the last bit as an added link in my rapidly reforming armor. I’m not upset about us. That would be ridiculous. There hasn’t been anusto be upset about. Not really. Just this morning we agreed there would be nothing but sex olympics.
“Flourish is fine,” Noah says, his voice guarded. “I had no intention of letting this change that. We haven’t even had a chance to decide what this is.”
“Good.”
He frowns, genuine confusion washing over his features. “Keeping us quiet is meant to protect you as much as it is meant to protect Flourish, more so even. I thought we were on the same page.”
“Yes. Of course we are. I don’t know what happened, I just panicked. Hearing Tom talking about partnerships in the face of our secret—it’s just a lot. But I’m fine now.”
I straighten my dress and clear my throat, ready to return to dinner, but Noah reaches out to grab my wrist as I pass.
“You have to believe me, please. I would never jeopardize your future. This is safe. You’re safe with me.”
My breath hitches, his words pinging and falling flat as I do everything I can to keep myself in check. The rules will keep me safe, but him? I can’t trust that anyone will keep me safe. Apparently not even myself.
“They’re going to miss us if we don’t get back,” I say, tugging on my wrist.
“Do you believe me?”
His voice is broken now and I pinch my eyes shut before turning back.
“This is just sex. Having a little fun while we close a deal, right?”
