I opened the door, not meeting his eyes, and breezed past him to head back downstairs. No good would come of us being so close to my bed. “Finally, we agree on something.”
He followed me downstairs and took the seat next to me on the couch, his elbows resting on his spread knees, hands clasped between them.
“I didn’t use a condom. I’m sorry. I didn’t—” He shook his head and scrubbed a hand down his jaw. “I wasn’t thinking.”
“I know. I have an IUD, though. And my tests are clear.”
He exhaled a deep breath. “Mine too. You know I’d never do anything to hurt you. I just lose my head around you, and?—”
“I know,” I said again, sadness seeping into my tone. In a perfect world, Hudson and I could be together. But this world was far from perfect, and I needed to crush my heart all over again. “I do too. But this is exactly why we have to break this off.”
He snapped his head to me, his eyes on fire. “Absolutely not.”
I breathed out a sad laugh, my heart a physical ache in my chest. “This isn’t a negotiation. I’m doin’ what needs to be done.”
“Like last time, huh? You plannin’ to cut me out of your life again?”
That sliced deep, but I took his words because I deserved them. Ihadcut him out. Not because I’d wanted to, but because I’d felt I didn’t have another choice.
“You occupy every inch of my brain, Hud, and I can’t afford that right now.” I wanted so badly to reach out and touch him. Feel his warmth and unshakable solidness under my fingers, but I knew that would only make everything so much worse. “I know you don’t understand that. And I know you don’t think what I’m doin’ here is important?—”
“I never said?—”
“But I do. And I need to do this to prove myself.” I dropped my eyes from his gaze. Feeling the shame burning bright on my cheeks.
“After you left the first time, I was so lost. I didn’t know who I was without you because I never had to figure it out.” I took a deep breath and met his eyes again. “But I have. It’s taken me a long time and I’m still fumbling my way through, but I’m gettin’ there.”
“You can still be you and be with me at the same time, Kenna. Those two aren’t mutually exclusive.”
I shook my head, my resolve firm. “Your place is in the army and mine is here in Havenbrook, and that will always be the thing that’s keepin’ us apart…whether or not we love each other.” My voice cracked on those words, and I swallowed down the tears that had lodged themselves in my throat in my effort to keep them at bay. I looked into the deep, brown eyes of the only boy I’d ever loved and shattered both our hearts. “But sometimes, love isn’t enough.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT
MAC
I hadno idea how walking away from Hudson could hurt so fucking bad when we hadn’t even been together in the first place. Logically speaking, this time should’ve hurtlessthan the first time he’d walked away. I’d already been without him for ten years, had learned to live without him here, and I’d been fine.
Okay, so notfine, but passable.
But now that I’d had these past three weeks with him, laughing and joking with me, challenging me,lovingme, I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to go back to how things used to be. I didn’t want to.
Thankfully, I had some time before I’d have to. Before I’d slip back into the status quo, where I simply coasted through my life with no real focus. No real drive. No real…anything.
Now, my focus was, blessedly, on Havenbrook and keeping things afloat while my daddy was in recovery mode, driving my momma absolutely crazy. So that was where I was spending nearly all my waking hours—from sunup to sundown, and a few extra hours on either end. Town hall had become my second home. And the strange part was, I was even starting to…enjoy it?
I wasn’t sure if it was the reprieve it provided from the sad reality that was my life, or if I really, truly liked being involvedwith the town in this way. I’d never really had a chance to challenge myself in anything but Wilderness Bound the entirety of my adult life, and this was kind of exhilarating.
I’d kept my word to myself and hadn’t rocked the boat—not really. So, I’d done a few little things here and there—like writing up a proposal for a new dog park, or propositioning Atticus and Darcy to sponsor a community garden in the unused space behind their businesses—but I’d left the big things alone.
I hadn’t touched the town infrastructure that was in desperate need of an overhaul, from roads to bridges to public transportation. Hadn’t even whispered about implementing an SAR team because of the large funds those items would take—not to mention the roadblocks I’d run into in the form of the good old boys for daring to bring new ideas to the table.
As many people as were passing on positive reports to my daddy of what I’d been doing at town hall, I knew just as many were doing the opposite and complaining about every step I took. I couldn’t win, but that was one thing I’d taken with me from pre-acting-mayor Mac—I ignored it as best I could and went about my business as if it didn’t bother me at all.
“All right, crazy pants.” Avery blew into my office in a cloud of red hair and irritation, her hands laden with takeout bags. “Since I’m obviously not going to get you out of here at a decent hour, I brought takeout.”
“You didn’t have?—”
“Shut up.” She dropped the bags on top of the paperwork I had been reading over before shrugging out of her coat and tossing it on a side chair. “I’m starving, Will is already gone for the day like a normal human being, and I’m on duty for tonight.”
