Did she ever think about the pact? Only every day of her life for the past ten years. Some days it felt like she could do nothingbutthink about that stupid pact.
“Sometimes,” she lied, as if the promise they’d made to each other, right here on this lawn, wasn’t seared in her brain for eternity.
“It’s coming up, you know. Few months is all.”
“Is it?” she asked, her voice tight and too high as she tried to play off like she didn’t have a freaking mental countdown to the day on a constant loop in her mind.
“You planning to show up?”
“You’ll have to wait and see, I guess.”
He turned his head to stare at her, though she continued gazing out toward the lake. She couldn’t look at him—not now when everything was surely written all over her face. How the pact brought forth emotions she’d rather keep under wraps—fear and excitement and nervousness and dread all rolled into one giant ball of anxiety.
The pact date was the deadline she’d given herself to get her shit together. Todosomething with her life other than pour shots and wipe down tables at the local bar. So she could be worthy of someone like Hudson. A real-life hero who sacrificed for his friends and family and his country. Who dedicated his life to doing so.
She swallowed down her unease and finally met his gaze. His eyes burned into hers, bouncing all over her face as if trying to read her.
“You been thinkin’ about the pact?” she asked, though she wasn’t sure she wanted the answer.
Of course, he had other things to think of, to worry about. He wasn’t fixating on the stupid promise they’d made to each other when they were only—
“Every day, Kenna. Every day.”
The earnestness in his voice took her breath away. Sincerity was written all over his face, and she couldn’t doubt his words for a second. Had he really been thinking about it as much as she had?
“We don’t have to wait for that arbitrary date, you know,” he said. “We can dive headfirst into this thing right now.”
Dive headfirst off a cliff into a wide-open abyss where she couldn’t see what was at the bottom? No. Absolutely not. That was a terrible fucking idea. And one that was almost guaranteed to end in her heartbreak. She’d barely survived the last one.
“I don’t think that’d be a very good idea.”
“Tell me why.”
She shrugged and averted her gaze. She couldn’t rip open her heart and bare her soul to him. So instead, she stayed quiet.
“You not attracted to me anymore?” he asked, his eyebrow raised.
She rolled her eyes. Considering her panties got wet at a mere look from him, that certainly wasn’t a problem. “You know that’s not the issue.”
“So, what is?”
Mac heaved a deep sigh and rolled her head in his direction. “It’s the same thing as before. I don’t want to start something we can’t finish. And I don’t want your mind elsewhere when your life and the lives of your crew are on the line.”
“I’m not a kid anymore, Kenna. I know how to do my job, and I know how to do it well. I’m good at it. I’ve got my damn master aviator badge.” He reached out and tucked a stray hair behind her ear. “And as much as I’ll be wantin’ to be back here with you every second I’m gone, I’m not gonna lose focus or get myself or my crew injured. Besides that, knowing you’re here waitin’ for me? That’d be the best motivation I could possibly have to come back home.”
She wasn’t sure what kind of voodoo he was working on her, but she could feel her walls cracking. Scenarios of what their future could be like playing out in her mind.
“Play house with me, Kenna.” His lips quirked, making his dimples pop and melting her defenses even more. “I’ll even do the dishes and cleaning like when we were kids.”
She breathed out a laugh, but her heart still ached. She wanted this so bad, but she was absolutely terrified to go after it. “That’s the thing, Hud. We’re not kids anymore, and I don’t wannaplayanything. Because in the end, when you leave, my heart won’t pretend break.”
He reached out and cupped her face, his thumb brushing along her jaw. “It doesn’t have to end when I go back.Wedon’t have to end when I leave.”
And leave, he would. Just like last time, and she’d be left picking up the pieces of a life she didn’t recognize without him. It’d taken her a long damn time to come into her own. To learn how to be Mackenna without the “and Hudson” tacked on to the end of her name. They’d been a unit nearly her whole life, and she’d spent the past ten years traversing this new path on her own. To go through that all over again? She wasn’t sure she was strong enough to do it a second time.
“I’m gonna have to play hardball, aren’t I?” Hudson asked.
She narrowed her eyes at him. “What do you mean?”
