I look back at Sean and his eyes are soft—pained as it all comes together. My stomach lurches when I realize what he’s saying to me.They were having an affair?
“No,” I tell him, shaking my head, tears spilling over my cheeks. “No, she wouldn’t cheat on my dad.”
“Your dad hit her. Did you know that?” Ramos asks, blood dripping from his lips. “She hated him. I made her happy … we were happy.” Tears streak his cheeks and I look down at him, seeing what she would have seen. A man from a world that wasnothing like my father’s, a man who wouldn’t judge her. Who would maybe give her what Sean gives me. A man who was there for her. A man who wanted her forher.
“We met at Gamblers Anonymous. She was there forhim. And your dad, fuck, he was gambling and cheating on her for years. She was so unhappy.”
I gulp back another round of sobs because I know all of that is true. Sean must see me sway because he puts a chair behind me and helps me into it while Alex continues talking.
“We started meeting for coffee. We had something between us, I can’t explain it. We couldn’t stop it.”
I grip the bottom of the chair so tight my knuckles start to numb. “If you loved her so much then why the fuck would youkillher!?” I bite out through clenched teeth as I lunge for him. Strong arms wrap around me.
“Easy, pretty girl,” Kai says, coming through the door, smoking a cigarette as Sean grabs me and holds me back.
“If you want to hear it, don’t kill him before he can tell you,” Sean whispers. I barely feel him deposit me back into the chair.
“Fuck …” Ramos mumbles. “I went to take care of your dad that night, so he couldn’t hurt her anymore. The bruises … you didn’t see them. He’d never hit her face.” Tears stream down my cheeks as Sean holds me while I cry, on his knees beside me.
I know he’s right. Ididsee them. She always had an excuse. For one insane instant my heart goes out to Ramos, knowing he was there for her in some way at least.
“She wasn’t supposed to be there, she said she was leaving. I just thought … if he was gone, really gone, she would be free.” His words hit me like a ton of bricks being slammed into my chest.Free.
“After I shot him she went crazy. She was hitting me and crying.”
“So you fucking shot her?!” I yell as Sean’s hold on me tightens.
“Say the word and I’ll end him.”
“No …” I cry. “I need to understand.”
Ramos raises his head. “I fucking loved your mother. I loved her with my whole heart. I’ve lived with this for two years, but I had no choice. She tried to call the police. When I …” he sobs. “When I pointed the gun at her, she lunged at me, it just went off.”
“You just left her there while she bled out on the floor?” I ask, not understanding how you can love someone and just leave them to die like that.
“I had no choice … I couldn’t implicate the club. I called 911.”
“You left her and youchosethe club.” My voice breaks and I close my eyes, fresh tears spilling over my cheeks. “Youalwayshave a choice.”
“I loved her, we were happy. I’ve had that gun in my mouth so many times,” Ramos pleads, and the worst part is that I know he’s telling the truth.
A fiery sort of white-hot haze takes over my body. My cheeks heat and I feel like I can’t swallow. Like my mouth is full of sand. I think I’m shaking. I don’t know where I’m going but I’m moving. “But you didn’t pull the trigger, because you’re a fucking coward!” I say, and then someone starts yelling, and all I see is white.
You took her from me.
You should have shot yourself.
I wasn’t alone.
She was just like me.
You stole her …
My arms ache as I fight my way through my screams. I fight so I can breathe again, and all the while I think I’m hitting something hard as I cry. It doesn’t feel stable or unforgiving, it’s spongey. It’s going to break but I want to keep hitting.
Something strong grabs hold of me as I feel my breathburning in my lungs. I’m unable to move now. I blink my eyes once, maybe twice, and try to focus. Sean is holding me, gripping my wrists tightly, and he pulls something from my hands—the baseball bat?
“No, Layla. You’re too good to finish this, baby,” he says, and then I’m being kissed. “She loved him, shewasbrave, little dove. Just like you.” He kisses my forehead as he whispers in my ear. I think of her face in those last weeks, the glow she had, how ready she was to start over. Shedidseem happy.
