She giggles, her cheeks going pink.
“I’m serious. I’ve never felt this way about another person in my life.”
She hums, a soft smile on her face, and pushes up on her toes. Before her lips can meet mine, though, my phone blares in my pocket.
My heart sinks. The ringtone is the one I set specifically for my mother. “I’m sorry,” I mutter. “I have to get this.”
I consider walking away so she doesn’t hear the conversation, but hell, I asked this woman to move in with me. I’m in love with her. And yet she doesn’t know anything about this huge part of my life. It’s ugly, and it paints me as the selfish person I used to be and often still am. But if I want her in my life for good, this is part of it, and I can’t continue to hide it. So with a deep breath, I stay by her side and slide my thumb over the screen. “Hi, Mom.”
“Camden,” she breathes as I bring the phone to my ear. “I can’t find your father. He’s not answering his phone.”
I press my fingers into my forehead. I can’t tell her the truth. The doctors have told us it’s best to just redirect her and calm her down. Telling her my father is dead and isn’t coming home repeatedly is cruel. “Mom. Where’s Cora?”
My mother sobs. “Cora ran away. You know that.”
A groove forms between Savannah’s brows as she studies me, but she doesn’t leave.
“Mom, take a deep breath. It’s going to be okay.” I bring the phone down and tap out a quick message to my sister but before I can even hit send I hear her voice.
“Sorry, Cam,” my sister says, her voice far away. There’s a rustling, and when she speaks again, her words are clear. “I got her.Mom,” she says in a soothing tone, “it’s okay.”
The line goes dead, but I don’t drop my phone. I’m too drained to move.
“Camden,” Savannah says, voice soft.
My heart hammers in my chest. How is it possible to go from such a high to such a low in a matter of seconds? Why is this always my life? Every time something good happens, I’m reminded of how quickly life can shift. I’m reminded that nothing lasts. That I don’t deserve happiness.
When I don’t respond, because my throat is too tight to get a word out, Savannah gently pries my phone from my hand.
Eyes closing, I take a deep breath, trying to find words.
“We don’t have to talk about it,” she says.
“We do.” I lock eyes with the beautiful woman in front of me. She’s an anchor, keeping me from drowning in the storm that is my life. Life may be unfair, and I may have lost a lot, but she’s here, and she cares. I’ve been around long enough to know how rare that is. To find a person who will stand with me through the storm.
“We lost my father in a plane crash. It was fucking awful.” I wince. “Obviously.” I shake my head. “My mother blamed me afterward. Rightfully so. The two of them were supposed to be at my game. It was a small plane. I’d chartered it so they could see me play.” I look out toward the ice. It’s easier than seeing the heartbreak reflected in Savannah’s eyes. “My sister had run away years earlier. That was also my fault.” My shoulders tighten and my stomach roils, the familiar shame and regret descending. As the emotions thicken, making it hard to breathe, I shake out my shoulders and look back toward Savannah.
She’s still quietly waiting for me to tell my story. No trace of judgment on her face.
“My sister had come back a month or so earlier, so my mom stayed home, too afraid that Cora would disappear again if she turned her back for more than a second. My dad came on his own. And then the plane went down.”
Heat stings the backs of my eyes, but I refuse to let the tears come.
“Anyway, she hated me after that. Our relationship was nearly nonexistent for almost a decade. But then she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, and this is a sick thing to say, but I got my mom back. Because she doesn’t remember that my dad is gone because of me. She doesn’t blame me anymore. But now I have to go throughthis.”
I blow out a breath and squeeze my fists, tamping down the emotions threatening to break through. “Most of the time, she’s content with having my sister around. But I hate leaving Cora to do all the work, so I help as often as I can. The only problem is that after I visit, shit like this always happens. Either way, I’m a selfish fuck. If I stay away, which would be better for her mental state, that means all the responsibility falls on my sister?—”
Savannah squeezes my hand. “Camden, I’m so sorry.”
I shake my head. “Please don’t apologize. I don’t deserve it.”
“Yes you do. And you’re not selfish for wanting a relationship with your mother. Or for wanting to give your sister a break. You’re not selfish for wanting a family and you’re not to blame for the plane crash.” She steps in closer, and her scent hits me, a soothing balm to my aching heart. “Shit happens. Life is unfair. You’re not a bad person for feeling that.”
Chest tight, I reach for her. I don’t deserve her, but I need her. The moment she’s in my arms, a fraction of the weight lifts from my shoulders. It’s not a lot, but at least I can breathe.
“He was my biggest fan. Even after I broke my sister’s heart, he still showed up. He was so damn proud of me. He was everything anybody could want in a dad,” I say, a sob escaping me on the last word.
This is the first time I’ve allowed myself to cry in front of another person. And there’s been a lot to cry over in my life.
