It wasn't conscious. One moment Simon was standing three feet away, the next he had Charlie in his arms, catching him before his knees could crack against Viktor's floor.
Charlie was sobbing now, real tears that soaked immediately into Simon's shirt. His whole body shook with the effort of fighting the compulsion that still pulled at him, trying to make him attack even as Simon held him.
"I'm sorry," Charlie gasped against Simon's chest. "I'm sorry I can't do it. I'm trying but I can't—I can't be what you need?—"
"Stop," Simon said, and hated himself for how Charlie went silent immediately, still crying but unable to apologize for it.
The full weight of what he'd just done crashed over Simon. He'd tortured Charlie. Forced him to fight his own body, made him think he was going to hurt someone innocent.
Just to soothe his own ego.
He was disgusting.
Worse than the vampires he hunted because at least they acted on instinct. He'd done this deliberately, methodically, just to protect his own mind.
Viktor hadn't moved from his spot. "He physically can't hurt people," he said quietly. "Even with a direct command from you. Do you see it now?"
Simon saw it. Saw what he'd done to the gentlest creature he'd ever encountered.
Bile rose in his throat.
"I'm sorry," Charlie whispered against his chest, and Simon wanted to tear himself apart for making Charlie think any of this was his fault.
"Don't," Simon said roughly. "Don't apologize. Not for this."
But Charlie was already pulling back, misinterpreting Simon's tone. "I'll try harder next time. If you need me to be?—"
"No." The word came out sharp enough that Charlie flinched. Simon loosened his grip, but couldn't bring himself to let go entirely. "There won't be a next time."
Charlie went very still in his arms. "You're leaving."
It wasn't a question. There was a deep sense of resignation in Charlie's voice. Like he'd been expecting this, waiting for Simon to abandon him just like his sire had. It made Simon feel like the lowest form of life.
"That's not what I meant."
"It's okay." Charlie's voice was small. "I understand. You were right, I do exist wrong and?—"
"Stop talking."
Charlie's mouth snapped shut, and Simon immediately wanted to punch himself. Using compulsion again, even accidentally, after what he'd just put Charlie through.
"You can talk," Simon said quickly. "I didn't mean to—fuck."
Viktor moved then, just slightly, enough to remind them he was there. "Maybe ease up on the commands."
Simon wanted to snap at him, but Viktor was right. Everything Simon did made things worse. Every word, every action, every attempt to prove Charlie was a monster only proved that Simon was one instead.
"Please don't leave me."
The words were barely audible, whispered against Simon's shoulder where Charlie had hidden his face again.
"I'll give you a minute," Viktor said, and quietly disappeared into his bedroom. The door clicked shut.
They were alone.
Charlie was still pressing his face against Simon's shoulder, his breathing shaky and uneven. Simon could feel the dampness of tears through his shirt. Could feel how Charlie's fingers had twisted into the fabric like he was afraid Simon would disappear if he let go.
Simon should be planning Charlie's elimination. Should be heading to that library to investigate whoever had been feeding them false information. Should be doing anything other than kneeling on Viktor's floor, holding a crying vampire who apologized for existing.
