“I told you, Angel, it wasn’t for me to tell you,” she says, “I was being a good friend.”
I’ve never heard her call him Angel before; they must be more serious than I thought if he asked her to call him that.
“You’re mad at Beth for not telling you?” I ask.
He doesn’t answer my question, instead asking one of his own. “Is it true?”
“Yeah, D, it’s true.”
The words come out so easily, I’m not scared anymore, but it’s written across his face, he’s the one full of fear. Yes, it’s hidden behind a mask of cold bravado, but it’s still there. But I’m done living in fear, I’ll find my family, and live my life, and nothing he can say or do will stop me.
“Look, you’re my blood…” he says, “but you know I can’t have someone in my life that’s gay.”
“What the fuck, Angel?” Beth shouts.
I place my hand around her waist to calm her. “It’s okay, let him talk.”
“You know the rules of the club, and you know I’m tied to them. I’m sorry.”
Usually he looks just like our mom, but his demeanor reeks of our father. I’d never tell him that, to him there could be no worse insult. But instead of being angry, I find myself feeling sorry for him. He’s still trapped by the old man’s bigoted views on the world, a man who used murder and violence to solve his problems, and look where he is now, life in prison.
“I can’t keep living a lie,” I say, “I guess I hoped that with everything that’s gone on with you and Beth, that you’dunderstand. You can’t help who you love, and when you love someone, you don’t want to hide it.”
“It’s not the same thing,” he says, shaking his head, refusing to believe that I might be right.
“Then I guess this is goodbye.”
With nothing left to say, I walk back into the house. He’s made his choice; he chose the club. It’s time for me to choose myself.
Chapter 17
Stephen
ThisweekendI’vehada glimpse of what it’s like for Donovan when I’m away for training. I used to love having the room to myself, enjoying my own space, but now I hate it. I miss him not being there when I glance over at his bed, either lost in a book or asleep with it resting against his chest. I miss the scent of his shower gel after he gets ready in the morning, being able to kiss him whenever I want. I need him home, and soon.
More than anything I want to message him to find out how it’s going with his mom and stepdad. He told me he’d update me as soon as he could, and I know he’ll have gotten there a couple of hours ago. My phone is on loud, but annoyingly quiet; no calls or messages from him at all.
I return to the books I’m studying from; we’re looking at marketing strategy in my business class, but neither my heart nor my head is in it. All I can think about is Donovan. When my phone eventually rings I pounce on it, hoping it’s him, but instead it’s Ted’s number flashing on the screen. It’s not like him to call, we usually wait until I’m there for training to catch up.
“Hey, Ted,” I say, trying to sound confident and hiding my nerves, what if this is a call to tell me they’ve made a mistake…
“Stephen, how’s your weekend?”
“Fine, thanks. Quiet I guess, I miss training with you guys.”
“You’re missed here too,” he says. “Listen, I know it’s strange for me to be calling you out of the blue, so I’m gonna get straight to the point. Now, nothing is official yet, but you’re going to get an invite to attend a virtual meeting tomorrow with Coach Matthews—”
“No!” I interrupt, not able to help myself. “Am I off the team? I haven’t even shown you what I can do yet.” I know I’m panicking, but there’s no point trying to hide it, this is terrifying.
“No, Stephen, calm down,” he says, “you’re not off the team. There was an accident at practice yesterday, and Isaac was injured. He’s spent the last twenty-four hours with medical, and it’s not looking good. It’s likely that he’ll be out for the rest of the season.”
“Shit, that sounds bad, how is he?”
Injuries are part of the package when you’re a professional athlete, but it’s still a shock to hear that one of your teammates will be unable to play.
“He’s putting on a brave face, but it will be a long recovery. That’s why I’m calling you. I’ve put you forward as my recommendation to replace him, and I’m ninety-nine percent sure Coach is gonna go with it.”
I hear him, and I hear the words, logically I know the meaning of all of them… but I don’t understand.
