“I get what you’re saying, but please, stop trying to be a good ally. I’ve got a big enough task telling my religious Mom and her conservative husband; that’s enough coming out barriers without also needing to tell my potentially homophobic, motorcycle club member, brother. Besides,” I shrug, “I think he’ll take it better coming from you.”
“Uh… what makes you think hearing it from me will be any better?”
I roll my eyes. “Come on, Beth, everyone knows.”
“Everyone knows what?” she asks, panic crossing her face.
“About you and Diablo.”
“I… uh… I don’t know what you mean?”
“Beth,” I say gently, “it’s okay, I understand why you didn’t tell me, and I’m not mad. Look, everyone knows you’ve been seeing each other, pretty much since my leaving party, we’ve all been talking about it, and you know, helping you both along when needed.”
“What the fuck?” she practically shouts.
“Shh,” I say, glancing outside to check no one heard. “Yes, everyone knows. And you and I, we will be talking about it, I want all the details… well, not all the details, not the ones that are going to make me feel sick about my brother…” I shudder at the thought of hearing about them fucking. “But this weekend, this is about me. I want to come out to my mom and Miguel, so I need you to tell your boyfriend… lover… fuck buddy… whatever the hell he is to you… that I’m gay.”
Beth managed to get Diablo out of the house this evening, and she promised to tell him. I’m terrified, but I need to put it out of my mind. I said I’d message her once I’ve told mom and Miguel, so she knows to stay out until after I’ve told them, now I’ve just got to get it over with. I head into the living room where they’re sitting watching TV, both in their comfy recliner chairs.
“Mamá, Miguel… can I talk to you about something?”
“Of course, mijo,” Mom says, as Miguel turns the TV off.
I perch on the edge of the sofa, not feeling comfortable enough to sit back or lounge.
“Is everything okay?” she asks.
I nod. “Yeah, fine. This is… well… it’s just something important that I think you should know… that I want you to know.”
They both wait patiently, giving me space, and I remind myself that I’ve got Stephen, Jamie, and Max, if I need them. Taking a deep breath, I exhale through my mouth and look at them both.
“Well, you see… I… um… I…”
Mom moves to the sofa, sitting next to me and taking my hand, concern lacing her features. “What’s got you so nervous, mijo?”
I chuckle, “Sorry, you’re right, I am nervous… I’m worried about how you’ll react.”
“Donovan, I love you, nothing you could tell me would ever change that.”
This is it; I just need to say it.
“Mamá… I’m gay.”
Tears fill my eyes, I’m still not used to saying it out loud, not used to the truth existing outside of my mind. Mom’s arms wrap around me and pull me into a hug.
“Oh, mijo,” she says against my shoulder.
“Is that a good ‘oh, mijo’ or a bad ‘oh, mijo’?” I ask, my heart pounding in my chest.
She leans back and cups my face in her hands.
“It’s good, mijo.” Her smile lights up her face but tears also well in her eyes. “Thank you for telling me. I’m sorry I didn’t make you feel like you could tell me sooner, you must have lived with this for so long.”
Sobs escape me and I fall into her arms again, she holds me so tightly I can barely breathe, but I never want her to stop. I cry for the years I’ve kept this in, for the years I lived in fear of people discovering my secret.
“You’re really okay with this?” I ask, not quite believing that she’s taking it in her stride.
“Okay? I’m your mother, all I want is for you to be happy. And if you’re gay, and you want to fall in love with a man, and that will make you happy, then of course I’m okay. If you’re happy, mi niño, I’m happy.”
