“I did wonder, with the whole ‘pro-football player’ thing.”
“Yeah, I was worried it would be an issue. But I think me growing up so athletic and into sports, and the fact that Iloved spending time with him and my uncles when they went camping and stuff made it easier.”
“How do you mean?”
“He had a lot of preconceived ideas about gay people, which no doubt came from his upbringing and from being in the industry he was in. So when I came out as pansexual, firstly I don’t think he even knew what that meant, and secondly, I went against everything he had in his mind when he thought about queer people, so it made him stop and think, rather than react.”
“Because you didn’t fit those preconceived ideas, you think he was more open to it?”
“I guess,” he says, “and I’m not saying that’s right, but it gave my mom and I space to talk to him, educate him. And he didn’t shut down, or switch off, he listened to us.”
“That’s good. It sounds like your mom was okay with it all?”
“Yeah,” he chuckles. “She was a teacher before she retired, one of those teachers that kids see as a mom. She’s had a lot of young people come out to her over the years, sometimes even before their parents. She took it upon herself to always stay up to date with what was going on, new terms, new language, always encouraging her kids to share pronouns at the start of term; something that didn’t always go down well with the other staff. But she wasn’t doing it for them, she was doing it for her kids, you know?”
“Yeah,” I nod. “I wish I’d had a teacher like that, maybe things would have been different for me. And I’m glad she was there to help with your dad.”
“Me too, I think it took him a while to get his head around the pansexual thing, seeing it as more of a choice, rather than who I am. But he was always open to us explaining it. And ever since, he’s made sure to keep my uncles in line,calling them out on any shit they say that’s offensive, and helping me tell them too.”
“So your whole family knows?”
“Yeah, and we’re tight knit, so they’d never share it outside the family, my secret is safe with them.”
I nod, and we continue our walk in companionable quiet. I wonder if my mom would have been more like Vanessa if she hadn’t been under my father’s influence for so long; he terrified her into thinking like him, believing all the lies and bullshit he spun. If she’d left him right after I was born, would I have had to hide myself for so long? I like to think she would have been an ally through and through, but maybe there’s still time…
“You hungry?” Stephen asks, after we’ve been walking for about forty-five minutes or so.
“Sure, not sure we’ll find much to eat around here though,” I chuckle.
“That’s why I came prepared.”
He leads me to a small clearing in the trees, taking off his backpack and unloading a blanket and cooler bag.
“When did you have time to get all of this together?” I ask, replaying our morning through my mind.
“Yesterday,” he says, “I told you I had plans.”
He beckons me to sit, and I curl up on the blanket as he opens containers of food. He’s prepared a picnic of sandwiches, pasta salad, and all sorts of snacks, and he even got us a bottle of sparkling juice and fancy glasses to drink from.
“Stephen!” I gasp, seeing it all laid out in front of me, tears forming in my eyes at how sweet this all is, it’s like something from a romance movie.
“Hey, are you okay?” he asks, pulling me into a hug.
“Sorry,” I chuckle, wiping my eyes. “This is just… I guess I’ve always wanted this… but never saw it happening for me.”
“I love being able to do this with you, Donovan.” He cups my chin with his fingers and draws me into a sweet kiss. “I’m sorry I can’t be more public than this.”
“It’s okay,” I say, and I mean it. “This is amazing.”
We tuck in, working our way through the dishes he bought, until all the food has been devoured.
“I thought I was used to seeing guys eat a lot,” I laugh, “the guys at the motorcycle club can really put it away. But you take things to a whole other level.”
“Hey, I’m a growing boy, I’ve gotta keep my strength up,” he says, patting his stomach, but all I can picture are his perfect abs.
“Well whatever you’re doing it’s working for you.”
“You too, baby,” he says, leaning in to kiss me. “I hope you left room for dessert though.”
