Prologue 1
Donovan
HerT-shirtisscreamingat me like a beacon; a rainbow with the words ‘Love is Love’ underneath. We’ve been meeting in the library to work on this project together for a couple of weeks, but she’s never worn anything like this before. I’ve seen other people around campus wearing pride stuff, and we have an LGBTQ+ group, but I’ve steered clear of all of it. That’s so much harder to do when it’s literally staring me right in the face.
I don’t remember when I first knew I was gay, I guess I’ve just always known. I do remember when I first realized I could never tell anyone and that it had to remain my secret. Visions of my father fill my mind; he never physically hurt me; my mom and older brother always got the worst of his rage.
His prison sentence was probably the best thing that could have happened, for all of us. I wasn’t even there during the trial, my mom wanted to keep me separate from everything, but that was fine by me. My memories of him consist of how much he hurt my mom; he doesn’t deserve the title of Father as far as I’m concerned.
“Donovan?” Beth’s voice draws me out of my thoughts.
“Yeah?” I ask.
“Where did you go? Seemed like you were off in a dream land.”
“More like a nightmare land,” I say. “I’m fine, sorry.”
“Are you sure? You don’t seem like yourself today.”
I glance at her T-shirt again, the need for someone else to know me boils up inside. It’s always there, but with years of practice I’ve learned to keep it under control. It’s like that famous quote in the Avengers movie, ‘That’s my secret, Cap. I’m always angry.’ But I’m tired, no, I’m exhausted.
Keeping this secret consumes my entire being. I carefully monitor the way I talk, the way I dress, I make sure I don’t look at a man for too long in case anyone mistakes it for attraction. I’m exhausted; I just need someone else to know.
“Can I tell you a secret?” I ask.
“A secret?” She puts her pen down and faces me, giving me her undivided attention.
“Yeah. I’ve never told anyone before, but you have to promise never to share it. It could be dangerous for me if you do.”
“This sounds intense,” she says, “we barely know each other, are you sure you want to trust me with this?”
She’s right, I don’t know her. We’ve been in the same English class since the start of the year, but this project was the first time we’ve spoken. All I know about her is that she’s smart, she loves literature, she keeps herself to herself and she doesn’t live on campus. She’s a redhead, like, a true redhead, with crazy curls, and the porcelain skin and green eyes to match. And she’s wearing a ‘Love is Love’ T-shirt.
“I feel like I can,” I say, “and honestly, I just need to tellsomeone, anyone.”
“Okay.”
I take a deep breath, these words have never left my mouth before, only existing in my mind.
“I… I’m gay. I like guys.”
Beth smiles, and it’s a brilliant, radiant smile. “Thank you for telling me.” She leans over and places her hand on mine, giving it a squeeze. “Your secret is safe with me, I promise.”
Tears form in my eyes. Fuck, I didn’t expect to get emotional; but it’s been years of keeping this inside, and I just released it. But more importantly, the world didn’t end, I’m still here.
“Please can I give you a hug?” she asks.
I nod and we both stand as she pulls me into her arms, then without meaning to I find myself laughing.
“Sorry, this isn’t even funny, I have no idea why I’m laughing.”
“It’s okay,” she says. “It’s probably the release, if you’ve been keeping that in a long time, it’s going to feel surreal getting it out there.”
“Yeah, I’ve been building it up in my head for so long, it’s crazy, like I thought the world would implode if I told someone.”
“But it hasn’t,” she says, “and you can talk to me about it anytime.”
I’ve got no idea if I’m crying or laughing now, or some weird combination of both.
