Fuck.That was just my luck.
I felt his hand slide up my arm and rest in his favorite place at the base of my neck. “Hey, you okay? Where’d you go?”
I realized I was still standing in the middle of the kitchen and had been staring off into space for who knows how long. I pushed back a little into his grip and answered, “Yeah, I just realized something.” I lowered my gaze down and to the right toward the fire and away from where he stood to my left.
“What did you realize?” Sebastian bent his neck down to try to catch my gaze, but I kept looking away and tried to get the sudden moisture out of my eyes first.Dammit, why do I have to be a crier?
“It’s nothing, I’m fine. Let’s eat.” I moved away from him, but he didn’t release his grip on me, and I had to stay where I was.
“Nope. That’s a lie, Josiah. Don’t lie to me, okay?” His voice was calm and gentle, coaxing me to listen and agree.
“Yeah, okay. I just really don’t want to talk about it right now.”
“That’s what I want to do over dinner, remember? I want us to talk, so we can start right now. You were laughing a few minutes ago, and now you're quiet and withdrawn. I want to find out what happened.”
I couldn’t argue with him, and we were stuck here for the foreseeable future, so I decided to come clean. “I had imagined all kinds of things between you and me, and I just realized it was all a stupid daydream, that’s all. I’m fine.”
I felt his hand tighten on my neck, so I finally looked at him. He searched my eyes and then let his gaze roam my face settling on my lips. He licked his own lips, and I wanted nothing more than to taste them again, but it was all useless, wasn’t it? I was thinking about the hopelessness of starting anything with this gorgeous man when he glanced up to meet my eyes again. “It’s not stupid, Josiah, never say that. Why do you think the possibility of us getting to know each other is stupid?”
He didn’t get it. He didn’t see how I felt and what I wanted. No one ever thought or cared about what I wanted. I was so tired of wanting and being disappointed. Every. Time.
I don’t know where the anger came from, but suddenly every disappointment in my life welled up inside me, and I lashed out, ripping away from that hold he had on me. His hand on my neck had been keeping me together, but now I was falling apart. I stumbled away from Sebastian, leaving him in the kitchen with a concerned look on his face. That made everything even worse. He cared, and he could never be anything to me.
“It’s stupid because you’re not even from here! You have an entire life half a world away, and I’m not part of that. I can never be a part of that because my family is here. My life is here. Your life and business and family are on a different continent, and that would be fine if I didn’t think I could really like you, but I do. I think I could really like you, and in reality, it’s just not possible.”
I was pacing in front of the fireplace while Sebastian was still standing across the room in the kitchen. He started to walk toward me, but I held up my hand, and he stopped by the dining table.
“No. Listen to me. I’ve been hurt, Sebastian. My last boyfriend came into my life like a wrecking crew, and I didn’t know he’d taken over everything until it was too late. I moved to his town because that’s what he wanted. I lived in his house because that’s what he wanted. I quit school and helped him with his business because that’s what he wanted. I lostmein that relationship, and I swore I would never do it again. I can’t start something with you and then have to choose between losing the possibility of something or giving up my life again. I just can’t do it, Sebastian.”
I felt the tears in my eyes, but I didn’t bother to swipe at them or prevent them from falling. I was so tired of controlling everything all the time. Why did I always have to be in control? I wanted to relax for once and not have to worry about it all. But here I was, facing a man I could see myself really liking, but it was impossible, and he didn’t even see it. Sebastian tried to take a step toward me, but I held up my hand again and kept talking.
“I know it would be fun to play with you like we did New Year’s Eve. It was the best night of my life, and I would kill to have more with you, Sebastian, but I don’t know if I could just play and then let go. I’m not built like that. Yeah, I let go that night, but it was a one-time thing. It must be. If I let myself get involved with you and then you leave to go back home, I don’t think I could cope with that. I’m sorry.”
I dropped my hand and stopped pacing. I had told him the truth, and with my words, all the fight left me. I was overcome with the stress of the day, the hopelessness of this situation, the possibilities of what could have been and would never be. I was overwhelmed by one feeling. Loss. And there was only one phrase that came to mind to explain how I felt at that moment.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. So, so sorry.”
Sebastian came toward me, and this time I didn’t even try to stop him. He came right up to me and didn’t stop until I was wrapped in his strong arms. My head fit perfectly on his shoulder, so I leave my head nestled in his neck and let out all my sadness and fears. He held me for the longest time while I cried and kept repeating how sorry I was about everything. I was sorry about my outburst, sorry for getting stuck, sorry for ruining dinner. At one point, I was sure I even said I was sorry for getting snot on his shirt. But through it all, he held me tight and never let go.
When I was winding down, he patted me on the back. “Feel better now?”
I nodded against his shoulder and lifted my face to meet his concerned gaze. “Yeah. I’m…”
“Don't you dare say you’re sorry again. You’re done with that.”
I was shocked, but in reaction to his tone, I immediately nodded my head. “Okay. I won’t.”
“Good. Now go into the powder room down here under the stairs and wash your face. I’m gonna warm up dinner, and we’ll eat and talk. Don’t you dare worry about anything else, until you hear what I have to say, promise?”
I nodded again,went into the half bath, and splashed some water on my face. I was all red and splotchy, but at least my beard hid most of it. I was a mess. I started worrying about things while I washed and dried my hands and face, but then I remembered my promise and shut the worry down. I could listen to what he had to say. Then there would be time for worry.
Chapter 12
Sebastian
I tookboth the plates to the microwave and thought about how to start the conversation I needed to have with Josiah. Sweet Josiah. He pretended to be so in control all the time, but I’d suspected it was all a front. I just had no idea how far that hurt would extend or how he would react when he finally let go.
Taking the first plate out of the microwave, I put the other one in. As I took the heated plate to the table, I felt so guilty for letting Josiah think he was to blame for anything. I almost told him the truth as soon as he ran away from me in the kitchen and started confessing all his fears, but I stopped when he began crying. Tears were cathartic. Hell, I knew that from the many times I’d cried myself to sleep and felt better the following day. I decided letting him cry was the best thing for him at that moment. I hoped that was the right choice.
