Chapter Ten
WatchingEthan with my family Christmas Day was the sweetest kind of torture. He fit here, like he’d always been here. In a matter of hours, he was trading recipes with the Aunts—he did try not to look horrified at Aunt Helen’s experimental ideas. Remy had adopted him as his own, which was weird as all hell, but they seemed to work together somehow. Taylor and Lachlan had invited him out to the next guy’s night, and Ladd and Connor had invited him to their small family wedding.
I found myself smiling more than I had in years all day. Ethan was all lightness, joy, and vibrancy. He was the opposite of me in so many ways, but I was drawn to his brightness like a moth to a flame. I knew it wasn’t for me, and it might destroy me if I got too close, but I was helpless to move away. I wanted it for my own, if even for a moment. Everything about the man made me smile, and it had been so long since I’d had that in my life.
I had retreated to the kitchen, my safe space, on the pretense of doing dishes when the talk had turned to Ladd and Connor’s wedding plans. I was so happy for them both, but it made me uneasy to think about Ladd being married. Just yesterday he and the twins had become my whole world and purpose, and now Ladd was moving ahead with his own life. Remy and Rhett wouldn’t be far behind, but I’d still be here. Only then I’d be alone. Always alone. I heaved a sigh and started on the dishes, but I knew I would have company soon. Sure enough, Aunt Helen came in and rolled up the elegant silk sleeves of the pajamas she’d worn for the family day.
“Here, James, you wash, and I’ll dry, honey.” She picked up the drying rag I had on the counter and began drying the plates as I handed them to her. We worked in silence for several minutes and then she added, “I love your Ethan, James. He’s a darling.”
“He’s notmyEthan, Aunt Helen. He’s here to get a new start and get out of a bad situation.” I handed her another plate, and she snatched it out of my hand with a mutinous look on her face.
“You can tell yourself that bullshit all you want to, James, but you’re not fooling anyone but yourself.” She dried the plate and put it on the stack before putting the rag down and turning toward me fully. “James, look at me.”
I washed the last plate slowly, picked up the drying rag she’d abandoned and started drying before finally turning toward the firing squad. “Okay, I’m listening.”
“James, you’ve been flirting with this man for weeks, months actually. You’ve smiled more and had a lightness about you that I haven’t seen in decades, honey. He makes you happy, really happy. You can’t believe for a minute that the only reason he’s here is to get out of New Orleans. Ladd told me you asked him out.”
She nudged me, and I couldn’t hold back my smile. “I did. We were supposed to go out this week when I went over there. Now he’s here under my roof, and I’m responsible for his wellbeing. I can’t take advantage of that, Aunt Helen. I told him no strings, and I meant it. I won’t take advantage of anyone ever again.” I set the plate on the stack and nervously ran my hand over my side. When she saw what I was doing her face changed from frustration to pity in a split second. I couldn’t bear to see that look on her face, so I turned to and started putting the plates into the cabinet with my back to her.
“Honey, you can’t keep doing that to yourself.”
I swallowed down the sudden lump in my throat to answer, “You don’t understand, Aunt Helen. You can’t understand.” I placed the plates gently into the cabinet, then felt the weight of all of these years begin to press on my head, my neck, and my shoulders. I closed the cabinet door and bracing my arm wide on the countertop, let all of that incredible pressure take over, bowing my head and heaving a sigh. “I let them down, him down when they needed me the most. I won’t ever let that happen again. I’m a protector, not someone who will take advantage of a situation.”
I heard Aunt Helen’s huff and the sound of a pan clatter into the sink. “James Daniel Eldridge, you listen to me once and for all! You were never responsible for anything. He knows it, we all know it. The whole situation was a terrible misunderstanding, but he worked through it, honey. We all got through it. I thought you had let that go long ago. Please don’t tell me you’ve been punishing yourself for nothing all these years, sweetheart. Please tell me you don’t blame him for what he did.”
At her last words, I was so horrified at her implication that I whipped around. “Of course I don’t blame him! Why in God’s name would I blame him for something that was my fault? He didn’t have any blame at all. I let him down, and I won’t do that this time. Ethan is safe from me.” She put her hands on her hips and gave me her disappointed face, which I hated, but I’d deal with it because I was adamant. “You can give me that look all you want, but I’m serious. I won’t put strings on me giving him a safe place to be until he gets himself settled.”
“Okay, I’ll leave it for now, honey, but I’m going to warn you that I’m not letting you sabotage your own happiness anymore. I’ll let you do this your way, but don’t think for a minute I’m letting it go. You can’t let one incident almost ten years ago affect the rest of your life. Ladd is moving on and one day Remy and Rhett will, too. You’ve had your life on hold for too long, baby, it’s time to live.” She came over and gave me one of her big squishy hugs, and I embraced her fully, loving the comfort and love.
“Thank you, Aunt Helen. I love you so much. Thank you for letting me do this the only way I can. You’re right, I like him, but I’d never forgive myself if I made him feel obligated or unsafe here. It’d kill me to have him not trust me.”
She didn’t answer, just squeezed me again and backed up to finish the last pot in the sink. Just as she was putting it up, Taylor came traipsing into the kitchen in his red brocade smoking jacket and designer slippers. How did he manage to make even pajamas chic?
“Do y’all need any help with the dishes?” he asked with a mischievous smile.
“No, you waited just long enough, honey, we’re all done.” Aunt Helen gave him an indulgent smile and a wink.
“Awesome, now we can sing all the songs!” Taylor slid over to Aunt Helen and pulled her into a dance hold, then waltzed her out into the living room singing in his worst Elvis impression, “I’ll have a blue, blue, blue, blue Christmas without you.”
I heard everyone laughing and joining in from the kitchen. I loved my family. I had built it, almost lost it at one point, but I’d never do anything to hurt any of them. While Ethan was here, he was under my protection, too. I’d protect him with everything I had, even if it was from me. On that thought, I plastered a smile on my face and went to join in the traditional sing-along. We couldn’t have Christmas songs without a jolly old St. Nick, could we?
