She cast her glance across the sea of heads in the bright, airy café, past pensioners, students, mums and kids, people in suits, some young teenagers, a gaggle of elderly ladies hooting with laughter, a guy sitting alone… Stuart. There he was. She felt a moment of pure misery that she was about to wreck his day and perhaps part of his future. She paused, steeled herself, then forced her legs to walk towards him.
If Nina had taken after her father’s side of the gene pool, Stuart came from hers. The auburn hair, natural, not out of a bottle like hers had been for the last few years since the grey started coming in. The same green eyes. He’d never quite reached the height of his father. At least in inches. In Bernadette’s eyes, he was already a greater man than his dad had ever been.
He was so engrossed in his books; he didn’t even see her coming until she was almost at his table.
‘Mum! Auntie Sarah! What are you two doing here?’
‘We’ve come to tell you that we’re running away together. We’re lesbians,’ Sarah replied, deadpan, making Bernadette splutter.
Stuart’s eyes widened so much she worried that he’d do himself a permanent injury.
‘I’m kidding! Although, she does have great legs,’ Sarah added, grinning.
‘Sarah!’ Bernadette chided, although she was thankful for the intervention.
Stuart shook his head. ‘I love you two, I really do.’ He got up to hug them both. ‘Good to see you, Ma. You too, Auntie Sarah. To be honest, I kinda wish it was true. It would be a great story.’
After Sarah had released him, she made her excuses and headed over to mingle with Chris Brookmyre, Val McDermid, Denise Mina, Tony Black, Anna Smith and the other voices in the crime section.
‘Can I get you a coffee? Tea?’ Stuart asked his mother.
Bernadette slid into a chair and hung her handbag on the back of it. ‘No, thanks. I’ve just had one with your sister.’
For the first time, there was a hint of concern in Stuart’s expression and Bernadette felt her stomach flip yet again. Lord, this was hard. Stuart had always been the far more sensitive child. Nina would be climbing trees and rounding up a gang of neighbourhood kids to play in the garden – as long as Kenneth wasn’t home, of course – while Stuart would be quite happily ensconced on the big chair in the corner of the kitchen, reading a book. He liked calm. Predictable. Still waters.And now Bernadette was coming along with a tsunami of change.
‘What’s happened? Is something wrong?’
For the second time, Bernadette decided to go straight to the truth. ‘Stuart, I’m so sorry to tell you this, but I’m leaving your dad. There’s no other way to say it. I’ve been unhappy for a long time and I’ve decided that I need to make some changes…’
‘With Auntie Sarah?’ he blurted, incredulous.
‘No! She really was just joking about that.’
He didn’t respond and she could see there were a million conflicting thoughts running through his mind. That was Stuart. Pensive. Thoughtful. That was why he’d make a great doctor.
‘Look, I know it’s a big shock, and I’m so sorry, but I’m leaving today, so I had to tell you. I’m moving in with Auntie Sarah for a while – separate rooms – until I can find a place of my own. And no, I haven’t told your dad yet. I wanted you to know first. I understand if you’re upset with me and I’m so sorry to be changing things and I know you’ll need some time to process it all and get used to the idea…’ Bernadette knew she was rambling, but she couldn’t stop. ‘… But I’ll be here for you, just like before. And if there’s anything I can do to make this better for you, you know I’ll do whatever I can. I hope you can forgive me and…’
Elbows on the table, his head went into his hands and Bernadette went straight to apology mode.
‘Oh God, son, I’m so sorry,’ she repeated, reaching over to put her hand on his trembling shoulder. ‘I know this must be terrible for you…’
‘It is,’ he murmured.
‘Stuart, you know I’d never hurt you intentionally, it’s just…’
He raised his head, sighed, closed his eyes for a second then opened them again, his response more positive now. ‘Mum, it’s fine.’
‘I know it isn’t. You don’t need to say that just to make me feel better. No one wants to hear their parents are separating and I can see how hard this is for you…’
‘Mum, honestly, it’s fine,’ he repeated, his hand taking hers from his shoulder and hanging on to it. He’d always been the far more tactile child as well. ‘I get it. And I’ll always want you to do what makes you happy.’
Bernadette welled up again. The universe may have given her a shit husband, but by God, she’d managed to get two great kids.
‘Thank you. I can see how much this has upset you and I know you hate it when things are on an uneven keel.’
He took a sip from the bottle of fresh orange juice that was in front of him on the table. ‘It’s not that, Mum. Since we’re baring souls here, the thing is…’ He stopped, stuck for words.
Bernadette’s heart went out to him. He’d always found it difficult to share how he felt, unlike his sister who wore her feelings on the outside.
