Is it being alone for the first time in all these years? Am I finally able to sit with my own thoughts and feelings without being distracted by caring for someone else's? Without the distractions of school or work, am I finally able to focus solely on myself and my health?
Because, while my relationship with Paul was good, whatever this is with Callum is...
Better.
Actually, no, it's the best.
I've had to be independent my entire life, and I've always accepted it. I was determined to never fall into the housewife trap. When we briefly discussed kids and family planning, I always affirmed that I would return to work after my maternity leave.
I think Paul had wanted to recreate his life growing up. He would talk on and on about how he loved that his mom was always available for him since she was a stay-at-home mom. She was always able to come to his football games and be involved asTeam Mom, and she felt fulfilled taking care of the house, him, and his dad.
That wasn't for me, and I made sure he understood that. Andhe said he did. I think the benefits of a two-income household swayed him, especially since my job pays a little more than his does.
I have never, in my entire life, wanted to have to rely on anyone else for financial support.
During college, living with Tess and her letting me live with her rent-free gave me a massive step up to the position I'm in now, but the guilt that accumulated from that really sucked. She had assured me over and over again that she just wanted me to focus on school and saving up money so I didn't have to graduate with student loans.
That was the best gift she ever gave me, and when I graduated and decided to pursue my Master's, I put all my effort into it. I graduated with honors and made sure to secure a career that would provide a sufficient income to support myself.
And, thank God, because this could have ended very badly.
I think I've gained a new perspective—through cancer, and through Callum.
Everything can all collapse in on itself in an instant—say, for example, finding a lump in your breast can lead to your fiancé cheating on you. But, like Callum said last night, maybe instead it's meant to lead you to a new, better path.
Looking at my gentle giant's face—handsome and relaxed and so peaceful in sleep—I can agree to that.
A new, better path.
To some of the best people I've ever known in the book club.
To Maeve.
To Callum, my best friend.
My smile widens even more, and I rest my head back against his shoulder, feeling his strong arm pull me in closer as he sleeps. Closing my eyes, I sigh contentedly, taking greedy inhales of Callum's clean woodsy scent.
Yes, I prefer this path.
Two nights ago, I witnessed my ex-fiancé passionately kiss his mistress against his car, much like what they had been doing with each other while he was still engaged to me. That pain, compounded with my hair starting to fall out, had felt monumental. Excruciating. Devastating.
But, I think in a twisted way, Ineededto witness it.
To actually see the betrayal in front of me, so I could just stop wondering. So that I could stop letting it just sit and fester in the back of my brain while I tortured myself with conjured images. It was like cauterizing a wound. Insanely painful, but necessary.
And now,healing.
We apply medicine to it, monitor it for infection, tend to it, and bandage it when necessary. One day, it'll be a scar to look at and remember the pain, but most importantly, remember the lesson.
That trust takes years to build and can be shattered in an instant, and may never be rebuilt.
That respect is something absolutelyintegralto a relationship, and when disrespect occurs, especially by someone you love, it feels like being stabbed.
Integrity is easy to declare, but harder to demonstrate.
And that love isneverenough to sustain a relationship.
Paul chose his path, and I'm going to choose mine.
