"I—"
The words catch in my throat because there truly is nothing to say. Nothing that they would believe anyway.
"I was overwhelmed," I finally manage, stumbling over the words, trying to get them out all at once. "It was too much. I—I wasn't handling it well—"
Adriana, sweet Adriana, looks at me like I'm a stranger. "Youwere overwhelmed?"
Chris tightens his arm around her, anchoring himself so he doesn't punch me.
"Sophie is the one who has to suffer through cancer," he bites out, "and instead of standing beside her, instead of holding her hand and being the man who loved her—the man you claimed to be—you slept with someone else?"
"I wasn't happy!" I yell, louder than I meant to. I feel the shift, the sudden stillness of the bar as the dam breaks. Maude's lips curl into a satisfied grin like she knew I'd crack.
She had me, and Icouldn'tstop.
"I was miserable and drowning, and none of you helped me!" I rant, sounding half-crazed. "All you kept telling me was to hang in there and be there for Sophie. I was doing that, and I wasterrified. I was so fucking scared, I wasdrowningin it, and none of you helped me..."
Everyone is looking at me, and Elise places her hand on my arm, trying to get me to calm down. I feel as though I'm choking, yet I'm the one tightening the noose around my neck.
Brian stares like he doesn't recognize me. "Because, Paul, it wasn't about you," he says slowly, like he doesn't think I'd hear it otherwise. "You weren't the one with cancer.”
Maude's lip curls into a sneer. "I'm sorry we didn't coddle you—lie to you. Sorry, we didn't pat you on the back and tell you everything was going to be okay. Sorry, we didn't tell you to cheat on Sophie to make yourself feel better."
Chris shakes his head, his face baffled. “If you had told us you were struggling, we would have helped you. But you didn’t…”
I shake my head, all the fight draining out of me. "I didn't want that. I just wanted..."
I wanted a way out of this terrifying time, any way possible.
I can't admit it out loud, the words getting caught in my throat, but I don't need to. I've known Brian and Chris since high school, they already know.
“Right,” Chris nods, shaking his head in disgust.
"We would've helped you, Paul," Brian says, voice quiet but stern. "If you had told us you were struggling and needed something else—needed us tosaysomething else, we would have figured it out."
"I could have given you the number to a therapist," Adriana pipes up, motioning to herself. Adriana has bipolar disorder and has been in every therapy under the sun. "We could have helped."
But, I didn't want that, did I?
"Okay, you know what, we're going to go," Chris says, draining his beer. He helps Adriana up, his arm wrapped around her thin shoulders. "Paul? Figure your shit out."
He tosses a twenty on the table, and they head for the door. Brian stands up, and Maude just keeps her eyes on Elise and me. She drains the rest of her drink and slams it down on the table.
"You two deserve each other," she hisses, voice razor sharp..
She turns and walks straight into Brian's waiting, open arms. He doesn't even look at me as they follow Chris and Adriana out into the night.
The bar patrons seem to realize the show is over, but they still glance over at Elise and me—some subtle, some not so much.
One patron at the bar in particular stands out, only because she is familiar.
Two days ago, I was on my way into the apartment while she was leaving. The woman was tall, almost as tall as me, with bleached blonde hair and red lips. She was as tatted as Rhea, so I assumed she was a friend or coworker and grinned, stepping aside so she could leave.
She didn't return my smile.
In fact, her blue eyes seemed to crystallize when she saw me, and her mouth tightened into a mutinous line. I felt confused as I'd never seen this woman before, but she seemed to hate my guts.
"Uh... sorry."
