With anything, it feels like.
It’s been nearly a week since my fever broke, and I’ve seen no hint of my bride roaming the castle. Has she been avoiding me?
Could I blame her?
Why couldn’t I just thank her for being at my side, for tending to me when no one else could? Why couldn’t I show my genuine gratitude instead of chasing her off with disrespect?
She deserves better than that. Better thanme.
And maybe that’s why I haven’t been seeking her out, either. If she wants to keep her distance from me, I won’t prevent it.
I groan, pushing back from the table. Every moment I’m not engaged in something to restore the throne, my mind wanders back to Ingrid. My thoughts linger on her soft features, the challenge in her eyes, the way she stands her ground. The moment I stop moving, stop planning, stop working, I’m sinking in a pit of quicksand, suffocating under the weight of my failures.
I’m not a husband. I’m not even aking. How much longer can I keep up the charade before it all comes crumbling down?
It would be easier to handle this all with steel in my hand. Sitting in these meeting rooms, listening to endless reports, trapped by etiquette, my legs twitching to move about the room is not how I work best. If I have to sit through one more lunch with a distant noble whose only reason to visit is trying to pilfer the coffers of the peasant king who knows no better, I might end up tossing someone out a window.
Hilduin won’t forgive me if I interrupt the guards’ training again. She’s made it abundantly clear that there won’t be another conversation about the issue; she’ll leave for the front instead.
She’s valuable anywhere she goes, but I need her here. Just like I need—
Val…
The curled end of his tail is all I can see peeking around the corner of the next hallway. I freeze in place, breath held as I retreat. Slow, quiet as I can manage, keeping my eyes on his tail until I’m far enough away it feels safe to exhale.
The last thing I need right now is another lecture about how I’m letting everyone down. I’ve got enough of that in my own mind these days. It might never be enough, but I’m dealing with things in the only way I know how.
“I knew you were avoiding me,” Val says, stepping out of another corridor ahead, tail twitching behind him.
I look back over my shoulder—he was just…
“Mind telling mewhy?”
I have no excuse.
Val sighs, dragging a hand through his hair. “I’mbeggingyou to stop making me the sensible one.”
“I don’t know what I’m doing.” There’s no one else I’d ever admit that to, and Val knows it. His tail stills, the frown in his brow smoothing out.
“Shit, Xan… None of us do.” He pauses for a moment, takes another heavy breath, then relaxes his shoulders. “Come on,” he says, patting my arm encouragingly. “We’re overdue for a drink.”
The cold is bitter as ever, our breaths fogging in the air as we huddle into the gathering area in the barracks. There’s a roaring fire warming the place, high spirits around games and stories, even someone in the corner playing an instrument while another sings. It’s like an entirely different place compared to my first time here.
And even here I can’t escape thoughts of Ingrid—the scarves, shawls, and other knit items around the room are surely from her.
“He lives!” Hilduin exclaims, waving me over to her corner of the room. “Y’know, when I told you to stay out of my training, I didn’t mean you had to become a complete stranger,” she says, pouring me a mug of ale while Val and I sit at the round table on either side of her.
“Been busy,” I mutter. My appearance hasn’t made as much of a ripple here as it did the last time. The guards are much moreused to me being around, but it’s still unusual enough that I can feel the attention on me.
“Right, right. Restoring the reach. How’s that going?” Hilduin asks. Val chokes on his ale.
I grunt. “Not getting any warmer, is it?” Draining my mug, I start to stand. This was a mistake. I don’t belong here any more than I belong on the damned throne.
I don’t know where I belong anymore.
“Wait,” Hilduin says. “I didn’t mean—”
“He knows you didn’t,” Val says, venom in his voice just for me. “Sit down.”
