She shakes her head and remains rooted to the spot. "I don’t want to hurt you."
"You won’t," I lie and raise my left arm, which still hurts but is bearable. "Get over here, darling."
She looks at me hesitantly until she finally moves and lies next to me a few seconds later. I wrap my arm around her. Her shoulder presses against my aching ribs, but I don’t make a sound. Instead, I allow myself to, at least for a moment, sink into the relief that overcomes me because nothing has happened to her.
"I was so worried about you." Her hoarse voice nearly shatters my heart.
I kiss the top of her head and breathe in her pure scent before trying to calm her down with more lies. "Shh, darling. It’s all good. I’m fine."
Nothingis good.
My place is a mess, so is my rib cage, and I’m afraid I have a mild concussion, but I can’t tell her this. If she knew about the damage, she wouldn’t touch me anymore, and that would really be a shame. Because having her close makes everything a little more bearable for the moment even though I know I’m lying to myself, too.
The moment I told her to wait in the truck, I already knew the bubble had burst.
Me and good enough for her? Not in this universe. Whatever I was thinking, it was fucking stupid.
When she calms down and no more tears wet my shirt, I release my arm from her. "Let me get up."
She immediately moves away from me.
I rise with clenched teeth and suppress a groan as my rib cage threatens to explode. After washing the blood and sweat from my face in the bathroom, I reach for the bottle of Jack and drink until the alcohol tastes sweet. Then I put the bottle away and go outside.
The chill air helps me clear my thoughts. I smoke three cigarettes in a row while realizing that I have allowed this to go on for far too long.
I’m taking one more night with her. Then it has to end.
With this thought, I go back inside and lie down. I pull Sophie’s body against mine one last time and inhale her scent.
"Can I get a kiss, darling?"One last kiss,I think to myself, ignoring the pain that stabs my heart.
She lifts her head and looks at me out of sad eyes, but then puts her lips on mine gently.
Fuck. I’m going to miss this. I’m going to miss all of this so much…
Shortly before sunrise, the effect of the alcohol wears off, and I wake up because everything hurts. My head, my shoulder, my ribs, my heart.
Sophie lies close to me and has one arm across my chest. Carefully, I free myself from her grip and get up to take Buster out. After that, I sit down on one of the two chairs and wait while I memorize every square millimeter of her beautiful face.
When she wakes up, Sophie immediately sits up. Her gaze lands on me, and I can clearly see the relief in her eyes until it’s replaced with fear as worry arises in her.
"What’s wrong?" she wants to know, though she doesn’t dare stand.
I soak up the sound of her voice and lock it in a soundproof box so that I never forget it again. Then I take a deep breath before I finally do it.
"I’ll bring you back. And this time, I really mean it." Though it feels like someone is ramming a rusty knife into my chest, the words sound emotionless and cold.
Sophie’s face turns as white as a sheet. "What? But… no! You can’t do that!"
I force myself to return her gaze. "I can, and I will. You’re not staying with me any longer."
Her chin quivers, and she begins to tremble, wrapping her arms around her body while her eyes fill with tears, but I remain firm.
"You’re going back to your mother. Or wherever you want to go. But you can’t stay with me. My world isn’t meant for you."
She visibly swallows as she stares at me with a pleading expression. "But why?"
"Why?" A mirthless laugh escapes me before I let my voice get even colder. "Just look at me. This is my life. Nothing but destruction and violence. You just don’t fit in."
