When I grasp the hand he’s holding out for me, the feel of his warm palm makes my skin tingle.
I don’t know where my head is anymore. So much has happened since last night, and I’m afraid I might have dreamed half of it. While I wish Jules’s story had really just been a bad dream, I pray to God that the kiss wasn’t one.
Cole’s serious voice snaps me out of my thoughts and, at the same time, reminds me that I wasn’t dreaming. "I’m sorry your first kiss was so… rough."
My gaze stays fixed straight ahead as I consider how to respond to that. Buster jumps out here and there between the trees, looking in our direction as if to make sure we are still there as we walk deeper into the forest.
"I don’t understand what you mean," I reply eventually, noticing the heat rising to my cheeks despite everything that has happened.
He pauses, so I also stop. "I shouldn’t have ambushed you like that. I’m sorry if I scared you."
I lift my head to look at him even though my words make me a little uncomfortable and my cheeks glow. "You didn’t scare me."
Cole’s expression is blank as he meets my gaze. His eyes appear almost white in the sunlight filtering through the treetops. They hypnotize me, causing the next words to slip from my lips almost involuntarily.
"I… liked it."
Wincing, he turns away as if my words have caused him pain, and for a moment, I almost regret saying them. But it’s the truth. Even though I had no idea what I was doing, that kiss was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced. It was even betterthan the trip to the sea. And that has to mean something, doesn’t it?
"Didn’t you like it?" I ask eventually because Cole continues to stare to the side, not saying anything.
He immediately turns in my direction and looks at me before taking a step closer. I have to tilt my head back to keep looking him in the eyes, which, all of a sudden, seem as unfathomable as the roaring sea he showed me.
"Don’t you eventhinkthat I didn’t like kissing you, darling. Never, do you understand?" He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear while his gaze seems to set me ablaze. The gesture is so gentle, it doesn’t seem to fit this big, strong man. But then again, that’s how it was with his kiss. Cole’s lips were so incredibly soft when he pressed them against mine…
Instead of answering, I just nod. My heart beats up to my throat because his touch and his words trigger the most indescribable sensations in me. And because all I can think about is wanting to be kissed by him again. Here and now. Everywhere and always. Until the end of time.
Cole drops his hand and turns away from me to continue down the path. Slightly dazed, I follow him as I try to sort out my thoughts and feelings.
"Your mother would probably rip my head off with her bare hands, wouldn’t she?" he asks after a few minutes, chuckling softly.
Thinking about my mother and what she might do if she knew about Cole and the kiss makes my head spin. "I think so."
Cole eyes me, his expression turning serious again. "Tell me about her."
I return his gaze before looking at the path ahead of us. "She has such a habit," I begin, and despite myself, I can’t help but smile. Probably because I’m so far away from her and don’thave to fear her reaction. "She’s been asking me the strangest questions out of nowhere to test how well I listen to her."
"What kind of questions?"
I loudly expel the air and roll my eyes before listing a few of the more absurd ones. "When slavery was abolished. Until what year interracial marriages were prohibited. In which states the death penalty is still allowed."
Cole lets out a low whistle. "Damn… Those are really weird questions. I’m starting to think she’s not much of a people person."
I shake my head. "She’s just very conservative. In her opinion, everything was better back then," I say to defend my mother.
"Back when human beings were treated like property and Black people couldn’t ride the same bus as white people?" The disapproval in Cole’s voice is unmistakable and makes me grimace. "Sorry, little darling. But your mom seems to have a lot of hate in her, no matter how you look at it."
His words hit me, which is why I say nothing more, and we walk side by side in silence for a while. But the longer I think about it, the more I have to agree with him. My mother did indeed speak badly about other people most of the time. It wasn’t just Miss Morgan who she ranted about. But I never realized it because that’s just how it always was.Shehas always been like that.
All of a sudden, I become sad because I don’t understand why she thinks like that. It must be terrible to only see the bad in everything and everyone. I realize that my mother must be a very lonely and bitter woman. Until now, I just couldn’t see that because I thought it was normal to be like her. I didn’t know it any other way.
"I think I feel sorry for her," I admit quietly because it’s the closest I can come to describing this feeling that’s starting togrow inside me. "Not just because of what happened to her, but because of what it made her become."
After I say the words, I realize that they apply not only to my mother but also to Cole. When I glance at him, fearing he might be thinking the same thing, his expression is hard. He stares straight ahead, a muscle in his jaw twitching and the grip of his fingers around mine tightening for a moment.
"Sometimes you can’t fight what the things that have happened to you do to you. You lose yourself to what’s occurred. And finding yourself again is… damn hard."
A heavy sadness rises in me because I’m sure that he’s not just talking about my mother. I would like to hug him and hold him against me. To tell him that it doesn’t have to be this way. That he can go back to being the Cole he was before this terrible accident and doesn’t have to endure all the suffering anymore.
