The question slips out before I can stop it. Before I can swallow it down. Before I can pretend it isn’t the very thing clawing at my throat since I walked out of Massimo’s car and watched the deadbolt slide home.
“No, Sofia. You should not do what I did.” Mami speaks in a gentle way, which she rarely uses. “You should not close the door to love because you’re afraid. What happened to me was my story. My lesson. It should not become yours.”
Her words hit something tender and raw in me. The wound is still healing over my divorce.
“I don’t know. Feels like I always choose wrong.”
“You chose wrong once,” she corrects. “Don’t make that mistake into your whole identity. Don’t make that man into your future. You’re brave living in that big city, making your money, and taking care of yourself. It is enough for now, but not forever. If a man comes along, worthy and strong. Then you choose him.”
A shaky breath escapes me as I wipe the tears from my cheeks. Could that be them? Not forever, but for now? With the twins, my whole body woke up, as if someone had lit a match under my skin. Massimo has been my private driver for weeks. I knew what was happening even if I didn’t want to admit it.
The sad look he tried to hide from me tonight. And Emilio, funny, wild, but with an infatuation with Paco. The way Emilio held Paco was like he’d die to protect a dog he met five minutes earlier. So much noise, bickering, and life in that house of theirs.
I felt safe there. Didn’t have to worry about a crazy ex getting to me. It’s impossible. A fortress inside a private neighborhood and two muscular men who just want to be with me.
“Mami, what if feelings come fast. Like too fast. Is that what happened to you?”
“Fast or slow,” she answers with a little sigh. “Who knows what they are supposed to be. They just are. But if there is someone, which it sounds like there could be, then you let it happen. You see what happens. Watch how he treats you, how you treat him. Everything worth having takes something. But the right person also gives back more than they take.”
My throat nearly closes. My ex didn’t give back anything. He took until it drained me. Left me with no money, no love, and no dignity. Just numb, ashamed, and betrayed.
“But how do you know it’s good? How do you know it’s real?”
“You know, because it doesn’t make you feel small. Because it doesn’t make you hide. Because it doesn’t make you quiet. You are loud, Sofia. Loud with your laugh, with your opinions, with your heart. Don’t choose someone who doesn’t like loud.”
The twins are loud. Emilio, more so than Massimo, but one thing is for certain. They love my loudness.
CHAPTER 19
EMILIO
“I FUCKING LOVE MY BROTHER! BADASS OF THE YEAR!” I scream into the wind. The helmet doesn’t have our usual comms, but it doesn’t matter. It’s still fucking awesome! “YOU TALKIN’ TO ME?!?!”
I’m so stoked, I yell that at every person we pass until he pulls up to a red light. A dog hangs out the window of their car and starts barking at me.
“WATCH THIS, MAS!”
I start barking back. Really getting into it with the flame red mohawk on my red and yellow helmet bobbing in my eyes. It’s long as fuck. Super killer when we’re speeding down the road. But sitting here, it’s almost in my eyes. The dog goes berserk. Lunging out the window with a damn death threat. The driver scowls at me. I shoot him a peace sign and keep on barking. A chick in the passenger seat stretches to reach the dog’s collar to yank him back. Then the window starts to glide up.
Mas guns it.
The sidecar wobbles like a fucking getaway car. I throw my head back, my arms out, and scream at the sky. Life is fucking beautiful. Riding with my bro, about to meet up with my brothers. Everything is so damn perfect right now.
We take the corner hard. My cast sticks out like a missile. A dude on a scooter sees it and almost wipes out. I salute him like the patriot I am. He gives me a crazy look. I get that shit all the time. It’s chill.
A few more reckless turns, Mas flashes me a wide smile. This is the shit we both needed. He came home after dropping her off and pounded down half a case of beers and pigged out on the burgers and dogs he made. We caught up on some Sox highlights. Made us both smile. Hopefully, they won’t suck the rest of the season. Try and make it into the postseason without shitting the bag.
Whatever.
He was pretty torn up.
I was sad too. Didn’t even jerk off last night. I wish it were because my balls were drained. Truth is, Sof was locked in my mind. Her dark eyes stare at my hand every time it drifted toward my chubby. Heard her scolding me in my head, to sleep, not pull on my monkey. She never did say that, but it felt like she did.
He disappeared for a couple of hours when Ryan came over. Gave me shit for not being showered and shaved when he arrived. Dude yakking it up like a chick about morning routines. 5 am gym workout, meal prep, and other bullshit. I glared at him before aiming the gaming console at his head. Still beat his ass at Call of Duty. He truly sucks at the game. Said he’s not a big gamer.
No shit, Ryan.
Anyway, Mas honks. Ryan smiles and gets my ass out of my chair. Can’t convince me they weren’t in on this plan together. But damn if the surprise didn’t slap. So happy that I dragged my cast like a three-legged dog over to the sidecar to fall in it.
