“They do.” She nods, scratching away on her notepad. “Do you think staying busy with the business is filling something inside you that your marriage didn’t?”
“I don’t know. Dean turned into such an asshole at the end, I was just thankful for the escape. It’s been so long…”
“So long since what?” She probes in that way I hate.
“So long since I had a good marriage. I forgot that feeling.”
She nods, scribbles, and I suppress a cringe. I don’t really know why I’m here or what I have to talk about, but it’s nice having a standing date for chitchat. If this is what having a friend is like, I see why people like it.
“Losing yourself in business is good for a while, but if you’re using it to escape something, you will burn out. I don’t want that to happen.”
I nod, realizing she’s right. I have been putting myself under a lot of stress lately.
“So, you think I should take a break?” I play with the fringe on the end of my scarf. It’s something I’ve seen Jesika do countless times, so I’ve adopted her little quirk for myself. “For how long?”
“As long as it takes for you to find your happiness again.” She answers like happiness is so easy to find. I let her words linger. “I’ve been with you through so much—since the start of this business, Shae. And while I make a point of not looking at my clients’ social profiles, I have an idea of what your job entails. It’s exhausting trying to please tens of thousands of people, and you’re willing to put yourself out there every day, knowing that not everyone will like you. You’ve shown up consistently for this brand for over a year. I just worry that your attachment to your online persona is filling something inside you that is making it challenging to separate your true self psychologically.”
I don’t respond because I have nothing to say. She’s saying basically the same thing Dean said months ago. Isn’t that why I’ve been coming? To fix this hole inside me that everyone else seems to think is there?
“I don’t think I’m ready to take a break from my brand.”
She holds my gaze over the screen, and I begin to squirm.
“I think your unwillingness to take a break is manifesting as a symptom of the real problem.”
I shake my head, refusing to listen any longer.
“I think it’s time for your online personality to go away for a while—like a retirement, or even a sabbatical, if you will. Maybe not permanent, but for now.”
I can’t look her in the eye. I can’t help but wonder if she’s looked me up, if she knows about my lie. She knows my husband left me. She knows the true story—or some of itanyway. If she’s tracked me down online, she’ll know I’m lying. I search my memory, looking for a moment I may have revealed too much, maybe slipped and mentioned the name Mia Starr at some point.
“How’s your sister settling in?”
The therapist raises an eyebrow in surprise. We’re only a few minutes away from the end of our session. This is our usual time for friendly chitchat.
“It’s going well. Thanks for asking.” I can tell Kelly Fraser, LLP is uncomfortable, so I smile brightly to make her feel more at ease. “It was my birthday last weekend, and my sister got me this engraved pendant.” She leans into the camera and holds a silver locket up to the screen.
“Kelly Bernice,” I read aloud. “So pretty. Is that a family name?” I inquire politely.
“It’s my mom’s name, actually.”
“I love family names. My parents were hippies, so I’m just stuck with these trendy first and middle names. It makes me feel rootless, though. I love the tradition of people passing down their legacy in the form of names on the family tree.”
“Yes.” My therapist nods. “It was my grandma’s name too. She was a nurse in the First World War, and my mom worked in the labor and delivery unit. I like to think the women in my family have healing in the genes. It does feel like a legacy.”
“A matriarchal legacy—you’re so lucky.” I mean the words I’m saying. Kelly Fraser has no idea how lucky she is to have such great maternal figures in her life. I wonder now, for the first time, what my life would be like if I’d been raised by a woman better able to nurture my talents and overcome her own toxic traits instead of passing them on to me.
“The men in my family, on the other hand…” Kelly shakes her head and rolls her eyes. “My mom had her work cut out for her. My grandma too. The Fraser men are known for their rabble-rousing in the small town I grew up in. Arkansas didn’t know what to do with the Frasers.” She giggles softly then catches herself.
“Oh, you’re from Arkansas? I’ve never been there.”
“I haven’t been in a long time. Since my parents passed, I just don’t have any reason to go. I feel rootless myself, although for different reasons, of course.”
I nod, thinking that in another lifetime, Kelly Fraser and I could have been real friends.
“Did you grow up in the country, or were you a city kid?” I ask.
“I was a country girl, through and through.” Kelly gazes off-camera and smiles softly, like she’s lost in a memory. “Ah, you always get me off track. Let’s refocus on what’s going on with Shae. How long are you planning to stay in Chicago? Should we plan to video call next week too?”
