“Ruin,” I whisper. “I am so—” I start to apologize again, the only thing I apparently know how to do well, but he brings a finger up to my lips.
“I already told you, you have nothing to apologize for. Please don’t burden yourself with that guilt, Avalee. It’s heavy, and it will ride your shoulders for eternity if you let it. I still haven’t forgiven myself for what happened to you.”
“But that’s not—” I begin again, but he lets out a huff in frustration.
“I know. I know it isn’t my fault. But you see, I was supposed to be the one who protected you. That’s what a husband should do. I know we weren’t married, but I felt from the start that you were mine—long before we started dating. So, I feel guilty for not being there when you needed me the most.”
That’s exactly how I feel too, Ruin. Can’t you see?I brush my hand through my hair, pressing my tongue against the inside of my cheek, losing myself to a slew of what-ifs even though I know it’s useless.
And then my father’s words come back to me.I was naïve enough to think a homicide charge would be enough.My father did this. I know it down to my toes. He must have used his connections at the sheriff’s department to make sure Ruin was pinned for homicide. The fact that the charge held up in court is probably also my father’s doing. I remember countless dinners with the prosecuting attorney and Judge Garner at our house as a child. To say my father had sway is an understatement.
Ruin’s demeanor shifts then, his face growing darker. Those rain-cloud eyes of his gloss over in thought. He clenches his jaw with a frown, and he forms his fists into tight balls at his sides. “And now, I’m close to finding that prick who hurt you. When I do…” He pauses, his voice dropping to a dark and terrifying low tone. “I’m going to give him exactly what he has coming to him.” He chuckles, finding something funny in his words. “I guess then I really will match my profile and record, huh?”
I don’t like this darker side of him. Not that it changes my feelings for him, but I have come to terms with what my attacker did to me. It took moving here and reconnecting with Ruin for me to finally forgive Yury. The thought of his name gives me pause. I haven’t thought of him by name since the attack, only referred to him ashim or Xin my mind, outside of my initial statements to police and my attorney. I never even told my therapist his real name. I will have to consider that victory later. Right now, I need to figure out why Ruin is talking as if he is hunting down Yury and what he plans to do about it. I’m not about to lose him again, so he better find a way to reconcile whatever the hell it is he is trying to work out in my honor.
“Ruin, what are you talking about? I never told you his name. Please, whatever you are doing, stop it. Now,” I plead, but he is looking off at something only he can see. “I can’t lose you again,” I whisper.
That seems to do it. He snaps his head back to me, and those eyes soften a fraction. He looks lost, as if I just took the ground out from under him and he has to learn how to stand on his own.
“But why?” he asks.
“Why what?”
“Why do the bad guys always get to win, Avalee? Why did I have to take the fall for Tiffany’s death? Why did you have to get hurt, and Yury gets to do, what? Walk around a free man someday? What if he does that again? To someone else?” Ruin’s voice is full of pain and anger.
I want to comfort him, but I honestly don’t know how. I have had to grapple with these very same questions before. And I really don’t have the answers to them.
“I don’t know, Ruin. I wish I did, but I don’t. My father refused contact with the investigators and lawyers. He said that our family needed to heal, and that living in the past would only hold us back. I guess that’s just the way life is. And we have to accept it. It’s bullshit. It pisses me off like you have no idea, but what can we do?” I look at him, seeing him settle back down into his calm-natured normal, and sigh in relief. “I do know that if you go out there looking for Yury and you find him, you will kill him. I will lose you. This time forever.”
He pulls back from our embrace, locking eyes with me. “What am I supposed to do, then? How can I protect you?”
I wrap my arms around his hard midsection and lay my head against his chest, not ready to break the connection. “Yury is doing his time behind bars. I just need you—here,like this.Being here, with me.”
His heart pounds away beneath my ear. We are both poised at the edge of something, and I am afraid if I let go, he will fall. But this time, he won’t get back up from it. I love that he wants to protect me so fiercely. But he has to see he can’t do that if he is serving time for actual murder. It doesn’t solve any of our problems; it would only create more.
When we walk back inside, I pick up my phone and see messages from my father. I shake my head as I read the texts, all of them hinting at a controlling father who is so overly concerned about his daughter that he doesn’t see how suffocating he is. As if a lightbulb goes off, my eyes widen. I realize the one who should feel guilty is…my father. It’s all his fault. I mean, yes, I blamed him for years, but now even more so. He thought that moving us to Mississippi would protect his little Virtue’s virtue, but all it did was ruin Ruin. The irony of it all makes me want to laugh, but I’m too sick to my stomach to do so.
Ruin tried to save a life that night. Two, in fact. Mine and Tiffany’s. Thanks to my dad, both lives were changed forever. One ended after that car crashed into it, and the other was shattered by someone who thought they could get ransom and pleasure in one go. But a third life was also forever changed, destroyed again by my father’s actions. I really believe I could have kept Ruin out of prison if I hadn’t been hundreds of miles south. I couldn’t have helped save Tiffany, but I could have saved Ruin. And if I had been here with Ruin, if our dreams of going away to college and getting married had been achieved, I probably wouldn’t have met Yury and been dragged through hell for weeks on end.
I delete my father’s messages and even block his number. It isn’t a permanent solution, but I need to put some space between us so I can think. Think about what I plan to say to him the next time we speak.
Twenty-Four
Ruin
Avalee’s pleas for me to drop my search for her captor hit me hard. Ever since I stumbled upon those articles detailing her assault and kidnapping, I’ve been planning on finding his sorry ass and giving him exactly what he deserves. I just hadn’t thought about the repercussions of following through on that little promise.
Hearing her say she would lose me forever took the breath out of me, and for a moment, I couldn’t feel my legs. It was as if I was back at the scene of the wreck again, my body shivering from the cold, numb and empty. That’s what the thought of losing Avalee again feels like. I can’t survive that again. And I definitely can’t protect her if I am behind bars. Look what happened the last time.She’s right. I will have to let this one go.
My gut churns, and anger sends bile into my throat. It pisses me off that, one day, the man who kidnapped my girl will walk free. Once again, I’m not able to do anything. Maybe everyone has been right about me all along. I’m just as good as any other of the Lautner men, maybe even worse.
Avalee snorts and tosses her phone aside with a sigh. “My father,” she says.
And back to Mr. Sumter. The man hated me when we were kids; I can only imagine that hate has grown now that we have. I’m never going to be good enough for Avalee. What am I even doing bringing her down into my world?
“Avalee, maybe we should rethink this relationship. I mean, your father knew that if you stuck with me back then, you’d just end up living a sorry, good-for-nothing life, with a sorry, good-for-nothing man dragging you down. Maybe if you go back to Mississippi with your family, you’ll be better off.” The words taste foreign in my mouth. My heart pounds away with the deceit of my conclusions.
She stares up at me with that same strong, defiant look she wore so often when we were kids.
