“Wait, I think there’s been a—” I start, but he’s already moved on to me, ushering me through the door with a crazy amount of strength. I guess he is a big guy—taller than Jasper for sure and stocky too, but damn, I wasn’t expecting to get manhandled by The Hulk.
“And you! Look at you, all dressed up like it’s a costume party. What’s with the scrubs? You a doctor or something? Vinny said he invited friends but he didn’t say nothing about a doctor. Am I being pranked? Like that Jackwagon show?”
“I’m a?—”
“MA! VINNY’S FRIENDS ARE HERE!” he bellows over his shoulder as we get practically dragged into the entryway.
Oh my God.
The space ahead of us is absolute chaos. There must be at least thirty people crammed into the living room and dining area. Christmas decorations cover every surface— shiny garland, colored lights, ceramic snowman figurines, snow globes, those creepy three-foot-tall motion activated Santa and Mrs. Claus dolls. A massive tree takes up an entire corner, so full ofornaments I’m surprised the branches haven’t snapped. The TV is playingIt’s a Wonderful Lifeat full volume but nobody’s watching because everyone’s talking over each other.
A tiny elderly woman appears from the kitchen, like she teleported, wiping her hands on an apron that says,Nonna’s Kitchen. She takes one look at me and her face lights up.
“Oh! Oh, Vinny brought a girl! Frank, did you see? He brought a real girl!” She rushes over and grabs my face with both hands—hands that smell strongly of garlic and onions—and studies me like I’m some kind of apparition. “You’re so pretty! And look at those cheekbones. You Italian?”
“I’m—yes—uh—no. We’re not?—”
“Ma, leave her alone,” a voice calls from somewhere in the chaos.
“I’m just looking! Can’t a mother look?” She turns to Damon and her eyes bug out of her head. “And you! You’re even prettier than her! You could be in the movies!”
I finally glance over at Damon and I can see it… He’s trying so hard not to laugh at this absurdity. “Thank you, ma’am.”
“Ma’am! He called me ma’am, Frank! This one’s got manners. Not like that other one… What was his name?” She squeezes his cheek right at his dimple. “You hungry? Of course, you’re hungry. Vinny’s friends are always hungry. Come, come! I got seven fishes, lasagna, braciole?—”
I shoot Damon a pleading look as he’s being dragged into the fray. I can barely make out his words as he tries to explain our situation to no avail.
“Actually, we’re not—” I try again, but Frank’s already turned his back to me.
“VINNY!” Frank bellows up the stairs. “GET DOWN HERE! YOUR FRIENDS ARE WAITING!” Then he murmurs some choice words. “I swear that kid gives me agita.”
“We’re not Vinny’s friends,” Damon says, loud enough this time that I hear.
Frank waves him off. “Sure you are. He said friends were coming. You’re here.” Then he makes some kind of sound that’s between a grunt and an oof.
A teenage girl with dark curly hair appears, holding an adorable baby on her hip. “Dad, Vinny said he wasn’t bringing anyone tonight. You’re thinking of last week.”
“Last week was last week. These are tonight’s friends.”
“There are no tonight friends,” she insists. She looks at us apologetically. “I’m so sorry. My dad gets confused?—”
“I’m not confused! They rang the bell! Che cazzo!”
The girl covers the baby's ears. “Dad! You said you wouldn’t curse around the baby! I can’t believe you…”
And she’s off with Frank in tow, arguing loudly. Damon’s already halfway to the dining table, being introduced to someone named Aunt Gina.
What the actual fuck is happening? Do I go join him? Sneak out?
I’m about to plan a rescue mission when a tall lanky guy about my age comes bounding down the stairs. He’s wearing a backwards Yankee hat that completely clashes with his red button down shirt.
“Who are you, gorgeous?” he asks, perusing me in a similar way as the elderly woman but I’m going to guess with much dirtier intentions.
“Are you Vinny?”
“Depends on who’s asking,” he says, tipping his chin up and smirking.
For fuck’s sake. I don’t have time for this.
